BROKEN

ADDICTION

     *Edited*
   After I surrendered my life to Christ, my desires and approach to life changed. I didn't need to live my life with guilt because I was totally free. I enjoyed this new life I found in Christ. All I wanted to do was to please God. I desired to do His will and make Him proud.
One day, at home during the holidays, I was going through pornography statistics on the Internet out of curiosity. I was sad and heartbroken at the mind-blowing revelations from my research, so I decided to start preaching the gospel on pornographic sites. I loved God so much and was ready to do anything for Him. The zeal of the Lord was burning in my heart like fire. I wanted to see souls get saved and turn to Christ. Little did I realise that my zeal was coloured with ignorance.
With much enthusiasm, I logged on to the first site and clicked on the first video to watch. Before I knew it, I clicked on the second and then the third. My eyes were glued to my phone. I was hooked like a fish caught in a fish hook with no hope of escape.
I watched and watched again until my internet subscription was exhausted, then I remembered my aim was to preach the gospel. Unhappy with the situation, I decided to try again anytime I was able to subscribe my internet data plan. I was doubly sure I would go straight to the comment section to chat with the porn stars and engage them in a conversation that will lead them to Christ. How foolish! I was naive. I watched the videos again until I became addicted. It became like drugs––I couldn't do without it. Oh my God! The monsters I had thought were dead were still alive.
Pornography was all over me––I thought about it, smelt it, slept with it, woke up with and intentionally visited pornographic sites to satisfy the urge. It affected me to the extent that I couldn't think straight anymore. My mind was warped and twisted. Even the book of the Songs of Solomon in the Bible looked like pornography to me.
I had thought that I would no longer fall into temptation after I had received Christ into my life but I was wrong...so wrong. I was trapped, addicted to pornography. Inside of me, I knew pornography was wrong but I couldn't get out of it as I was already hooked. I needed help badly but where would the help come from? I couldn't pray because I was too guilty to do so. I felt like a rag again. (All the previous experiences I had started to play out in my mind.) I couldn't control the urge to visit pornographic sites. I'd always visit the sites, watch the video clips, get irritated and cry.
One day, I woke up in the middle of the night and watched porn for two straight hours. I couldn't believe I could be on one spot, watching pornography for two hours. As I thought about how deep I had gone into pornography, I knelt by my bed and cried to God profusely.
I cried to God, "Help me. Save me."
That night, I slept off on the floor after praying, but the more I tried to come out of it, the worse I became. My situation did not change––it continued for a long time. I'd watch pornography, ask God for forgiveness, and I would go back to watch it again. In order to help myself out of my pornography addiction (as I was desperately in need of a solution), I started reading books on how to be free from pornography, but all of them proved futile. Then one day, I decided that to stop watching porn at all cost.
I cried and prayed to God to help me. I blocked all pornographic sites on my phone and avoided every sex book. I prayed for strength and for grace to come out of it. Gradually, I came out of it after being hooked on pornography for about one year.
One day I heard God say to me, "Your life is a story." He further told me that He didn't send me to preach the gospel on pornographic sites. I needed to grow and mature in His love first and build sufficient stature in my relationship and walk with Him.
I learnt from this episode that we are not immune to temptations despite surrendering our lives to Christ, and that when we are tempted, a choice to either obey or resist it is presented to us. I also understood and experienced the power of Christ to help me go through the challenges and difficulties in life. I am more than a conqueror!