[Finished] Living Among the Dead

45. How it's Gotta Be

"Still no sign of him?" The question hurts more than Jesus knows, and my heart aches.
"Not yet," I hear Mason respond as I bounce Gracie. She's not like Hope, Hope is usually calm, only crying if she needs a butt change or fed. Not Gracie, she cries a lot. She needs constant attention or she's in hysterics. I would be too, if I didn't have her and Hope to take care of.
Hope only just got her daddy. Gracie's met him, what? Once? And Paul hasn't met him at all... will he ever?
Did he get hurt? Get held up somewhere?
My mind begins reeling once more, like it has many times these last few days.
"I'm heading out with Maggie," I hear Jesus say. "You coming?"
I hear Mason lower his voice, "I should stay here, help my mom with the girls. She hasn't spoken at all since last night."
"Okay, keep her safe."
"I will."
"Bye, Anne."
I want to answer, I do. But... I can't tear my eyes off Gracie while I bounce her soothingly.
He leaves, and Mason begins putting Hope down for her nap.
Denise Hope Dixon.
What would Gracie's name be? Who would we name her middle name after? Would Daryl have her middle name be Gracie and instead give her a different first name?
Carol Gracie, I decide.
Carol Gracie Dixon. He'd like that, I think. 
"Mom?" I look up at Mason, without replying. "Hope's hungry. I'll feed Gracie, while you feed Hope, okay?" I nod and take Hope into my arms then allow him to take Gracie.

"Anne, we need you, come talk to Maggie. I need you to talk some sense into her. She's going nuts. The Saviors got out. Their attacking everywhere. But Maggie, she shot one of the Prisoners. She'll listen to you." Jesus's words only confirm one thing for me.
"The Saviors got out..." I whisper, hoarsely.
Jesus nods, "That doesn't mean-"
I shake my head, "Doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter, Jesus. I won't know where or how to find him."
"Maybe they won, the others. Maybe they won," Mason says, from his seat where he's holding a sleeping Gracie.
"It doesn't matter, they didn't win. We can't win. So it doesn't matter. Nothing fucking matters." I look back out the window while holding Hope in my arms.
Numb.
That's all I feel is numb. I've thought Daryl was dead numerous times throughout the last week, and now there's no way of knowing whether he's dead or alive.
Now.
In this moment of time.
He might as well be dead.
He's gone, no longer in my life.
He left my son to drive back home by himself with no protection.
He left me an orphan to adopt and take care of.
He left me pregnant and married to him; to go off and pull some vigilante stunt without even having the balls to tell me he was going to do it.
No matter what.
He left me.
Scared and alone and pregnant with now two infant daughters to care for.
"It matters, it all matters," Jesus starts to say.
I turn around, cutting off any of his next words, "He left me!" I scream. "So no, it doesn't matter now."
I watch Mason put down Gracie, and throw on his shoes. "Where are you going?"
"To find him, and bring him home." He responds, walking out the door.
"Mason. Mason!" I shout after him.
"I'll get him." Jesus tells me.
I nod, and watch him run after my son.

An hour or so later passes and Jesus comes back, "I'm sorry, I lost him..."

[A.n.] Mason truly picked up on Daryl's reckless personality, and you can all fight me on it after next chapter. I know Aaron adopts Gracie in the tv series, like I do understand that, trust me. But I thought it'd be a good storyline and had to entertain the idea. After all, I stay super close to the shows storylines the majority of the time (we don't count completely writing out Beth due to a personal dislike of her character, okay?) most of the time I stick to the script and just write it from Antionette's point of view. But there are things I do decide I can mix up a bit. Like Gracie.
And don't try telling me Daryl wouldn't be adopting a dead guys kid, because he has a soft spot for kids. He has since season 2 (or 3..?).