[Finished] Living Among the Dead

50. Worth

"Anne," I hear from the entrance of my trailer. I look up from looking at a very old photo of my old family... the family I used to have. I kept the photo in my pocket for years.
The picture is a family of happy strangers. Even Mason's young face is no longer how I remember it. The little blond girl cooing at her father I haven't laid eyes on in years. The two boys laughing at a joke the mother had made moments before the picture was taken long forgotten. They weren't like that after the world ended. The family changed too much for them to be familiar even to me.
"What do you want Michonne?" I ask, softly.
"Carl... he'd written Mason a letter. I thought, maybe you'd want it?"
I bite my lip, Carl... he and Mason had become almost inseparable, and apparently their connection was enough for them to meet the same end on possibly the same day.
"Thank you," I whisper, getting up and taking the letter addressed to my boy.
"How are you?" She asks.
"I'm fine," I respond, my voice colder than I'd meant it to be.
"You will be," she responds before leaving me to the loneliness I've found myself in.

I open the letter, my eyes blurring as I read the words written to my son. My mind reeling as I read each word.
Mason,
We've grown up together. You've been a constant since the prison, and I know we went through a lot together. Things only the two of us went through. I know I hurt you when I rejected you, but that wasn't my intention. I loved Enid the way you loved me. And I know I didn't say it, but I still considered you my brother.
     I hadn't intended to shut you out, but you were so busy taking care of your mom and of Daryl. You'll need to keep an eye out for my dad now, too. I know you have enough on your plate without adding my dad to it, too. But I know you will. I know you'll help him make this world, our world, your world a better place. He can't take out Negan, not if we want to start over properly. I don't know how you'll get him to see reason, but I know you will.
Could you keep an eye on Judith? Like you do Hope. I'm leaving it up to you to be her big brother now. It's a lot to ask, but I don't have the time to make amends to you, anymore. I should have explained myself better, been a brother to you like I wanted to. I'm sorry I didn't.
     I'm sorry I didn't look out for you. I'm sorry I couldn't feel the same as you. Take care of yourself, brother.
Love,
                Carl

I reread the letter, and reread it again. Mason loved Carl. Mason loved Carl. How didn't I know that. How was I so out of touch with him to know that he'd had his heart broken by his best friend. Why didn't he tell me? Who did he tell? Was Carl the only one who knew? I didn't even notice them growing apart.

"Jesus," I mumble, avoiding his eyes.
"Hey, you okay?" He asks, after taking only one look at me.
I offer him the letter, wait for him to read it. When he looks at me, I can tell reading about my son's secret love isn't surprising. He knew.
"He asked me not to say anything, he said he'd tell you when he was ready. And after Carl turned him down... he said he was worried about you. So when he asked me not to say anything, I respected that decision."
I sigh, sitting down on Jesus's steps. "He didn't trust me..." I whisper.
"It wasn't that," Jesus responds, sitting next to me. "Coming out, it isn't easy. Even with caring parents. He didn't want to stress you out. In his head, you were already stressed out more than what was healthy for your pregnancy, and after you gave birth... maybe there just wasn't ever a good time."
I nod, still wondering how I let my relationship with my son become so rocky that he thought he had to hide such a big part of himself from me.
"You and Daryl aren't talking," Jesus observes, after a few moments silence.
"We're not... not talking. We just... I look at him and I see Mason's dead body... I can't look at him without thinking that if he'd have just come see me before going after Negan... that maybe I wouldn't have been so worried that my son went out looking for him. Mason's dead because I chose to worry about Daryl instead of to take care of my boy."
"It's not your fault. Mason chose-"
"Mason was sixteen, he was too young to have had to make that choice. He was too young to have been out there fighting... he was too young, Jesus. He was too young..." I blink back my tears.
"He was... I'm sorry, I tried to find him... I tried to keep up with him when he left, and I tried to find him."
"You did find him," I reply. "You brought him home to me... he'd," I take a deep breath. "He'd have stayed out there, all alone... but you brought him home so I could bury him. So he wouldn't be alone."
"Talk to Daryl. He's beating himself up enough over too much. I think you guys could use each other to get through this."

[A.N.] We made it to 50 chapters! I'm not promising 50 more, because honestly, so far there isn't enough episodes to write 50 more chapters.  I'm not even sure I'll be continuing this after Season 9. There's a chance this story ends sometime this season next season. I haven't written anything into stone yet, but I'm debating. If you want this to continue on to season 10, let me know. Tell me. Give me feedback and I'll keep writing until the shows over. Maybe even longer. This chapter was mostly improve. Nothing happens in this chapter that happened in the show, but I enjoyed writing every word. I've enjoyed writing this whole story so far. But without feedback, and with my schedule about to become a whole lot busier, I have to womder if continuing this will be worth it. Even if I knew one of you wanted this to continue, I'd keep it going, no problem. But so far I've had no interactions, and no way of knowing if someone is enjoying this story.
The future of this book is in your hands.