Naglalakad ako patungo sa harap, hinarap ko silang lahat. Puro nakaputi, lahat malungkot, lahat umiiyak.
Napatingin ako sa gilid, andon siya. Ngumiti ako. "Ikaw na, Pat" ni-lead ako ni Joe papunta sa may stand kung saan andon yung mic.
Tiningnan ko sila, pati siya. Di ko mabasa yung expression ng mukha niya. Malungkot ba siya o Masaya?
Hinawakan ko yung mic. Lahat sila tahimik, humikhikbi. Nagaantay sa sasahihin ko.
"First of all, this may be long so bare me, plus i know he's watching and listening out there"
"Juan... he's the realest person i know. The one that i could turn to when i needed help, he's the person i looked at when i needed to smile and when i needed to be strong, when i am away, it is like i have left my soul at your side. Ikaw kasi yung may isa sa dahilan kung bakit ako lumaban, ikaw yung napagkita sakin kung bakit ang sarap mabuhay, kung pano maging masaya. You make me smile when others can't, you make me feel warm when i am cold. You have shown me so much love and so much more. You are my whole world and i love you with all my heart. You are my happiness."
"Juan.. He's the beat of my heart, the soul in my body. you are me, because without you i am nothing. Siguro hindi niyo na ako nakikita dito. I love you, Juan, you are my ex, my almost boyfriend and my best friend." I paused, pinunasan ko yung mga luha ko. Hindi niya ako pwedeng makita na ganito. "I want to say something before i end this and i mean this more than i ever did before. You were the love of my life, the man of my dreams. Just because you have passed away does not mean i am not with you. I know you'll always be there looking over me, keeping me safe.So whenever i feel lonely, i'll just close my eyes and i know you'll be there, right by myside."
"Today, i am trying to accept the fact i can never bring you back, but need to learn from all our memories and everything you taught me." I smiled, napakadami nating alaala, Juan. Sobrang dami. "Because of you, i know now what true love feels like and how to look for it again. I have learned that i need to be genuine happy, to fight for myself first before anyone else. I learned that I should always try my best and take a leap of faith sometimes because something great could come out of it. Or sometimes, something horrible may happen that you need to learn from and bring with you through the rest of your life. Just like my illness, look at me now. Still alive and sharing you guys how caring and loveable Juan's are. Heaven gained the most joyous angel. That's for sure" napahinto ako, the thought of heaven, then si Juan. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko. Sobrang sakit. "Naalala ko sinasabi ko sa kanya, "kumapit ka, kasi kumapit ako non" tapos he was declared DOA (dead on arrival) pala. Pinilit lang buhayin. Alam ko naman na nilaban mo, mahal. Hanggang dulo, pero siguro hanggang dito na lang tayo. It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' i do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
"You will never be forgotten"
Pag angat ko para titigan sila lahat sila nakatingin sakin, nilibot ko mga mata ko sa simbahan na 'to. Wala na siya.
Until he caught my eye. Andito pa siya, pero nasa may pintuan na siya ng simbahan, i can't totally see him kasi sobrang liwanag. Nakaharap siya and he's about to turn away sa direction namin. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya, bigla naman niyang ni-raise yung right arm niya, it's like he's waving. Nagpapaalam na siya? Aalis na siya?
"Paalam, Juan"
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