Violently Silent : Poetry

"Big Gray Energy"

Six years old at the time
Reluctantly going clothes shopping with her grandma
But something catches her eye, from a clothesline
From the boy's section, a red and white checkered shirt stands with glamour

She gets excited, grabs it off the rack
Brings it to her Grandma, asking for it
Horrified, the Grandmother yells at the girl, "THAT IS ONLY FOR BOYS! PUT THAT BACK!"
She doesn't understand, and she throws a fit

Nine years old at the time
She stares at herself in the mirror, proud
Wearing a shiny gray tie, she's bound to shine
She hurries to school, excited and loud

"Why are you wearing a tie?" "You can't wear a tie, if you aren't a boy." "She's so weird"
"What are you? A boy?" "You look stupid in a tie"
She doesn't understand, and that hope she had, has disappeared
She starts to wonder if she isn't supposed to see a guy in the mirror and feel joy

Eleven years old at the time
She frowns, looking in the mirror, determined
She gathers her waist-length hair in her fist like it's a crime
She stuffs it into a hat, hiding it, and suddenly feels a sense of courage

She looks in the mirror, and it looks right
She tries to imagine what it would feel like to have short hair like that
She wonders why hiding her long hair brings her so much delight
Her need to be in her proper form drives her mad

Twelve years old at the time
She looks into the mirror, beaming, as the lady chops off her anixeties
And she feels free, she feels divine
Her hair is faux hawk short and it captivities

She's never had such a surge of confidence
One that made her feel hot from the bottom to the top
She's still not connecting the pieces, unsure of how it correlates
But she suspects that something about her is odd

Thirteen years old at the time
She's changing her name to Alex
Changing her pronouns to align
But he's not feeling balance

Someone calls him by the name he chose
And it doesn't feel quite right, he gets scared
What if he's not trans? He jumps back in the closet and says sorry he had to impose
Left alone, unsure of why it hurt so much when he shared

Fourteen years old at the time
She meets a math teacher who sees the struggle in her
The teacher asks her what she goes by
She panics and says "Whatever you prefer"

A few weeks later the teacher has convinced her to try using he/him
Two weeks after that she's a he
And he's changed his name to something a bit more him
He's finally able to show others what he can see

Finally fifteen years old
He looks at himself in the mirror
Feeling extraordinarily bold
The image couldn't be clearer

His name is Gray, and that's no mistake
He's always filled with that "Big Gray Energy"
Thankful that he's finally awake
He no longer worries about how people see his masculinity

He's fine being Gray,
And wouldn't have it any other way