After some time, my minds never been worse. I know what I should do but I know that I can't do it, I keep digging deeper and deeper to the point of no return at which I can't climb out anymore. I can't cope with myself with this self-destructive nature that's been growing ever so slightly until it's too late to address. "You reap what you sow" as they say, adding masks upon masks to hide my sense of self whilst not knowing that the first mask has cracked and it's now catching up. I can't keep doing this, I know, but I also can't stop. The symptoms are showing in public, I thought it would be okay as it just happens in the morning and sometimes at night which prevents me from sleeping. They've seen the part of me which I don't want to be seen, the part of me that's... 'Me'
To be precise I have to remind myself from time to time who I am, a shy, soft-voiced, weak-minded, pathetic, and scared introvert who keeps killing himself mentally. Then I remind myself of who I should be, a strong-minded, textbook, happy-go-lucky guy. But these days it's just not been the same, I'm not the same. I see myself and my options clearly, like I see myself as a character and these options which directly have an impact on me but I keep delaying the inevitable and when I realize how messed up my body and mind have become, how deep the grave I've made for myself is, and how powerless I am to just watch myself fall apart from the inside-out. I panic; my vision blurs and doubles, my breathing becomes unstable and straining, my body feels like my soul is trying to escape, my brain starts pulsating and thinking of it all makes me want to end myself, the pain is making me go insane and my shaking gets so severe that I can barely put the lid on my pen... all of that once a day or maybe even twice if I get stressed. It's a habit I've developed and I just want to end it all but I can't rest, not now, not ever. This thing at the back of my mind keeps reminding me that it knows me, it is me, it owns me. The notion that I am free at home has become obsolete, I can't even escape my myself. At home it's okay because I am alone and I can't show/mention this to my family because they would worry but I think it's worthless to worry about me because I am nothing, but twice have I shown a bit of myself in school. A shaky voice, "you sound like you're about to cry" they said, I guess my regular speaking voice did sound that close to having a breakdown, and when I woke up and was so shocked at the idea that I had to say something to a question I didn't hear or even know about... it's pathetic and I succumbed to myself whilst trying so hard to maintain a "normal" image of myself. If you're reading this, thanks for the time you gave but I won't ever talk about this again. Not in real life, never.
