To see the state of the life I am leading is to open my eyes in ackowledgment of the actions I am taking which leads me up to this point in of my life, that is what I call contemplation. I look into the world around me, only to find my peers who are in different sectors of their lives. Some are lost, some are in the dark, and some are changing for the better or for the worst. I see the different problems they all encounter and I am there as an observer to which I find myself thinking in a 3rd person perspective. It is still perplexing to think about, I don't feel as though I am part of this world that I look into, instead I am a silent observer who sees and thinks of every other possibility this certain moment could've played out had I intervened. I then blame myself for not taking action, I take a look inside of me and find two distinct personalities. One who feels and one who thinks, it's always been stated in cases of study that the halves of your brain are separate in which the left part is your logical reasoning and the right is your creative thinking. Going back to my previous statement of thinking in 3rd person, I choose which side of me is best suited for a situation. Though I do lean to the logical side more than my creative one for it makes much more sense to be reasonable, but I still have such a soft heart which can't change due to the creative side not allowing any interference to my emotions. I conclude that this other side of me is what keeps me from going past my limit and hinders me from doing things the way I plan them out to be. The transition is quite seamless between the two so you won't notice who you are talking to when you do interact with me, it is quite funny how I just go inside my own head quite mentally whenever I got no task at hand or am not assigned to do something. I work better if not best in an environment which assigns me objectives that must be completed because I could just rely on my logical side who is efficient in academics but my creative side then ruins the plans by procrastination and making up reasons such as boredom. If possible, I would love to get rid of this creative side to completely be an efficient worker which is best suited to the society which is built upon this exact reason. An example of what and how I would act in a situation which uses music or dancing as a form of action to which has to be graded, I would think of whom the task is the best lead by which in this case is not me so I would then not suggest nor act in any way which could possibly interfere with said person unless I am tasked to do something by him/her. In the simplest of words that is easiest to understand how I behave is : I think like I am a player controlling this body in the same way of the Sims. I do not think of any achievement or action as special, it is quite literally nothing since logically speaking, nothing I do would and could be counted as unique or amazing. It isn't unique or amazing if someone could do it better. Of course I do understand how others might perceive this statement to be rather pessimistic and foolish, I still stand firmly on my beliefs as this is much more logical and realistic. Everything you just read is a conversation with myself whenever I stare into nothingness. I understand and am aware of what others feel I should do yet I literally cannot follow through so I stay stagnant and forever bound by the chains of my own mind, the restraints I put on myself that even I have no idea on why it was there in the first place.
