Rip It All To Shreds (Something Great)

Wasted Time

Remember the box from the earlier chapters??
Here it is!
Song~Wasted Time by Vance Joy

Harry's POV

Back on the tour bus. Back in my private room on the bus. Back to being alone. Back to more chaos. Back with the knives that are my thoughts . Back with the shittiest alcohol and the cheapest weed. Back with fake smiles. Back to fake truths. Back with sad songs on repeat. Back to shutting out everyone . Back to hearing him cry at night. Back to wanting to kill myself for it. Back to hating myself and blaming myself .Back to my life.

I sit on the floor with my head up against my bed. I look over to the small shelf on the wall and walk over to it . I grab the wooden box that sits there. I may have my own room, but not my own bathroom. The bathroom is the only room with a lock on the whole bus-which sucks.

I grab what I need to write things down , and what I need to help forget what I write .

The bathroom door is in sight. I knock. No one replies. I swing the door open and it slams shut as quick as it was opened.

I carefully open the hinge of the box and tip the lid back. I dump out its contents. Unsent letters. Some write diaries , I write letters. I've written and never delivered every letter in the box, except one . One of them was delivered to me and written by someone else. Louis. It's a love letter written in his scribbly hand from 2010. It's beautiful, and as time goes on, seems more sad to me- just like him.

It's my tradition to, before writing a new letter, to read all of the letters in chronological order;this means starting with Louis'.

To my Haz,

I have so much I'd like to say, but to be honest I'm a little scared. Some of it is kind of bold of me to say, and I'm scared you'll think it's ridiculous .

You see, you have these eyes and they well... okay see what I mean this is so cheesy I'm sorry... but your eyes .. there always so wide with wonder and I always want to know what you're wondering about. Sometimes, I uh, I hope you're thinking about me . Oh god please don't think that I'm stupid. You're beautiful Harry Styles.

Words do not suit my thoughts, Haz. You laugh at all of my jokes, and sometimes I tell them just to see your perfect smile. Truth be told, I don't mind your jokes at all, they're cute just like you, but you of all people know how I love my banter .

I'm so glad that you are finally mine Harold. I often wonder what I possibly did to deserve you.

The other day I heard you say that nobody is perfect , well Haz I'm sorry to say that you're totally correct. Imagine how boring this world would be if everyone was perfect? I couldn't stand it for a day. That's why I always look for someone with the right quirks rather than the perfect everything. You've shifted my perspective, love. You are perfectly quirky. You are practically the perfect person , not to mention the perfect person for me , yet you have these innumerable quirks that balance each other out in the most unique of ways. I'm glad that you're perfectly quirky.

I'm sorry if this letter was terrible. I'm pretty bad at being romantic , but I tried right? Keep smiling my curly angel, and I love you,

Lou xx :)

By the time I finish reading my cheeks are wet with tears. It makes me at least the next half an hour to read the next almost 200 or so letters.

Finally, I'm done. Time to write . It doesn't have to be perfect, It will never be read.

Louis,

My Louis . Liam told me . Why? Why do you waste your time on me? Why do you waste your literal blood and tears on me? It hurts. I know that it obviously hurts you . I can't even wrap my brain around it ... I ... You, you are my angel. My angel with broken wings. Did you really write an H? Carve an H for me? No, Louis. My angel, I broke your wings , but I can't repair them.

I've wasted enough of your time already. We were so happy together. Louis you were the first person I loved.

I still love you, and I know you still love me , but I refuse to believe it . Maybe if I told you what happened you wouldn't love me any more. In fact, I know you wouldn't love me anymore. No! I can't ! I can't tell you!

This life is made of glass Louis, and you're the most cracked person I've ever seen - besides myself. I wish I could change that. I know it's my fault. It's all my fault.

My feelings about you change every day. They grow stronger . Everyday a stronger mixtureof love for you , and hatred for myself.

You're not the disgusting one , Louis. I am. I'mdisgusting , and I don't know how to stop. Im not sure if I want to. It's nonsense really. I'm scared to stop and scared to continue. This life is made of glass, Louis- one step and everything falls apart - glue only works so may times and I'm running out .

I'm sorry for sleeping with you . For teasing you. For teasing myself . It was more than teasing . Shit , I can't think of the right word.
I cracked you more.

I put more cracks and cuts in your beautiful porcelain skin my Louis. How could I!? Yet you still love me , and hate yourself! you've got it backwards, love. You've got it so backwards .

I thought we'd last, and it's my fault,

Your Haz.

I've got my lighter in my hand. I ignore the knocks on the door. They can all go fuck off. Have the driver stop at a rest stop or something . Now, it's time to forget.