𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 | roger taylor

XXIX

August 13, 1973

Monday morning came quickly, the sun still rising despite the hopeless circumstances I found myself in. I hoped it wouldn't, and that I'd never have to face my choices and come to terms with them. Somehow everything seemed easier to swallow when the sun was down.

When I'd left that Friday night, I didn't know where I'd end up. Going to stay with Josy seemed too close by- besides, that was the first place I'd be expected to go. So I grabbed a train towards my sister's place, and she welcomed me with open arms.

I hadn't told her much that was going on, only that I needed a place to stay for a couple days. She'd agreed, sensing a difference in me that she decided not to pry at. Saturday night, however, she brought me to one of her favorite pubs, and that's where it all came out. Tearfully, I explained the situation in the best way that I could. Amaris listened with a sympathetic frown, putting her hand over mine.

"Do you think you'll go back to him?" she'd asked after I finished, eyebrows furrowed. I appreciated how she left out her opinion- it was so unlike her, but I was thankful for it.

I blew out a breath, feeling a weight on my chest. "I have to. I couldn't imagine not going back," I told her, the thought frightening. What would I do without Roger? We hadn't seen much of each other in the past month, yet to cut him out of my life completely? I couldn't bear it.

That's why, when I woke up Monday morning, I was utterly conflicted. My mind kept reliving those last few, crippling moments between us- the fighting, the distrust. A part of me wanted to never go back, never see him again, and start anew elsewhere. That part was mostly grown out of spite. The other half wanted to run to him with open arms, and try to put the mess behind us.

I didn't let either of them win. I reluctantly pulled myself from Amaris' guest room, slowly making my way through the morning motions. Coffee with my sister, dressing in an outfit that barely matched, piling my long black hair on top of my head. Amaris eyed me with uncertainty over her mug.

"Today's the day, hm?"

I nodded, trying to swallow the nerves that rose in my throat. "Wish me luck, I guess."

"It'll all work out," she assured me, flashing a soft smile. "You love each other, right?"

"Yes," I admitted. It was the one thing I was completely certain about. "That can't ever be enough, though."

-

The ride back was difficult. I tried to clear my mind, and allow a wave of calm to find me with the rocking of the train. It never did. My anxiety only increased, my thoughts alive with various situations that could occur. Was distance the cure we needed, or did it just worsen things? I chewed nervously at my inner cheeks and lips, wishing desperately that I could fade away.

I almost didn't call the cab home, yet in the end I swallowed my pride and my fear and was on my way. The conclusion to my wild thoughts was just within reach, and I had to face it.

The door was locked when I reached our flat. I fished around for my key in the bag I'd brought, but turned up empty handed. Sighing, I resorted to knocking, rapping my fist a few times against the door.

It was a few minutes before I heard the yanking of the chain lock, and the door was pulled open. Roger appeared in his stocking feet, hair messy and eyes wild with shock. He looked me once over, mouth dropping open.

"You're- you're back," he said, blinking as if he wasn't quite sure of what he was seeing.

I attempted to smile, but it came out as more of a wince. "I said I'd be back. What, you're surprised?" I tired to keep the venom from my tone, but failed. Seeing him brought back every feeling I'd tried to keep down. The anger and betrayal, yet also the love that swelled in my chest. That was the worst part of it.