𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 | roger taylor

XXXI

March 5, 1974

"You're glowing."

Josy drew her hand against my cheek, soft knuckles brushing my skin. It'd been forever since she'd visited, and seeing her face brought a flow of ease to my veins. I shook my head in response and chuckled. We were seated at the dining room table with steaming cups of tea in front of us.

"Am I really?" I asked in disbelief. "I don't feel like it."

"Pregnancy really does suit you." Josy beamed. "Trust me."

"Thank you." I tapped my fingers restlessly against the porcelain cup. "I wish I felt as good as I looked." My pregnancy had been a constant storm of terrible symptoms and emotions. The nausea that was supposed to subside after the first trimester was still plaguing me every moment of every day. I could hardly eat anything but a few select foods, and not to mention my body was in pain most of the time. My hips especially. The doctor had informed me that I was simply stretching as to prepare for delivery. The physical symptoms, at least, were sometimes tolerable. It was what was going on inside my head that worried me the most. I wasn't sure why, but I had slipped into a funk that was impossible to shake. I was numb. The only emotion I felt- if I felt any- was sadness, and it usually crept up on me at night. I couldn't even cry. The tears just wouldn't appear.

"I'm proud of you, Thea. You're crushing this. And when the baby comes, I'll be there to help whenever you need me," Josy offered, flashing a sympathetic smile.

"Thanks, Jo, but I can't ask you to do that. I have to do this on my own, you know? I made my bed, now I have to lie in it," I said with a shrug. I wasn't sure of much of anything anymore, but I was sure I needed to do this on my own.

"It doesn't have to be like that. You shouldn't ever be afraid to ask for help."

"I've had enough help as it is," I said sharply. "What with the house, and everything else! I have to do the rest of this on my own." I have to know I'm capable of being a single mother. I need to know I made the right choice.

I didn't expect it, but my parents were surprisingly supportive, if not overly so. They welcomed me, considering my absence as a "learning experience" and agreeing to help me again. Although my mother disapproved of me having a child without being married first, she was willing to accept it over my other options. And the idea of a grandchild made the corners of her lips turn up, just the slightest bit. So they compromised with me, helping me out with the purchase of a small home nearby Ramsey's, just enough to get me back on my feet again. I insisted on returning the money once I was able, and they agreed.

My best friend was quiet for a moment. "You don't have to be alone, Thea. You didn't even have to in the beginning, if you had just-"

"Don't."

"-told him what was going on. He may have been a cheating asshole, but he was still crazy about you. He would've wanted to help!"

"I don't want his help!" I snapped. "I don't want anybody's help!"

The rising of my voice was enough to silence the room. Josy's mouth formed a line, her words coming to an abrupt end. I immediately was swamped with guilt from the look on her face.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, squeezing my eyes shut. "I don't like talking about it." I don't like talking about him.

"Then I'm sorry I brought it up."

I brushed my hand over my circle of a belly- it had become a gesture of comfort to me now. I couldn't believe that in a month I'd have a baby to take care of. It was a terrifying thought that kept me awake at night, but feeling my child move around inside me always brought me a sliver of hope. It reminded me that someday this would all be worth it.