Playing With Fire

Chapter 34 - Alive

Now it was like he needed to get this out. "I guess Juhi got worried about me. She felt bad and wanted to find me. As I pulled the woman on my lap to kiss her again, I looked out the window and saw her standing there watching. Jesus, I've never seen so much pain on her face. It broke me, Angel. Whatever was left in me died at that moment. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her. Because I was broken, I broke her too, and that's something I live with every day. She believed in me. She..."

He couldn't say anymore about Juhi. He just couldn't. It hurt too much, still after five years. "She jumped in her car and took off. I got the woman off my lap, jumped out of the truck, and puked. Half of it was because I was so damn drunk, but the other part was because I made myself sick. I've never hated anyone, not even my father, as much as I hated myself at that moment. I walked off into the woods until I sobered up, got in my truck and drove to rehab. I haven't seen Juhi since. Right after rehab I filed for divorce, and she didn't contest it. Setting her free was the least I could do for her."

Angel looked up at him. "Were you having sex with her? In the truck, I mean."

"No. Not yet, but I think I would have." No reason to lie to her. He would have screwed that woman in his truck and thrown away his marriage just like Amir had screwed another woman and thrown away their engagement.

"Why did you tell me all this, Shahru?"

"Because I don't want to break your heart too."

His statement affected her in two different ways. One good and one not so good.
First, obviously he cared about her if he worried about her feelings and if he shared his traumatic past with her. If she didn't mean something to him, he wouldn't have bothered. On the other hand, it sounded as if he was pretty sure, in the end, he'd hurt her. Being hurt by Shahru wouldn't be the same as being hurt by Amir. This would break her heart. This broken man inside such a strong body meant more to her than anyone in her life. He touched her in places so deep inside she hadn't realized they existed before meeting him.

He carried the world on those broad shoulders of his, and even though what he'd done shocked her to her core and upset her, she knew they were the acts of a different man than the one standing in front of her. The searing pain he'd showed her in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. He wasn't capable of causing someone else that kind of pain again. Foolish as it might be, she believed that. He'd proved it to her with the selfless way he'd been there for her.
She just had to make him see it too.

"If you don't want to break my heart, don't."

Shahru scoffed at her. "Did you hear anything I just said to you, Angel? It's not that easy. You said so yourself: men who cheat never change."

She walked over to him. "It is and it isn't. I'm not stupid. I know you'll be dealing with your past for the rest of your life. I know you'll be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of your life as well. I know that's not going to be easy for you, but I also believe you can do it. As for breaking my heart, I think you have more control over that than you think you do. I'm not asking for lifelong commitments right now. I'm asking that we keep our options open when it comes to where this thing between us might go. We can give it a shot, one day at a time, and play it from there. Be honest with me."
She touched his arm. "If It's not working for you, tell me. That's all I ask. Keep an open mind and open communication. Don't block me out like you did with Juhi."

"How can you even want to give this a try after you know what I did to her?"

"Because I trust you. You're killing yourself over what you did to her. I know what I said the other night when we were talking about Amir, but you're different. This situation is different. It was wrong, Shahru, I'm not going to pretend it wasn't, but I see what you're going through, and that tells me all I need to know." Maybe she was being foolish. Maybe he would break her heart no matter what. Maybe she would never know unless she gave it a try. That's what her life was about now. Being happy, taking chances and living her life the way she wanted. She wanted Shahru. How seriously she didn't know, but the only way to know was the path they were on right now.