Playing With Fire

Chapter 48 - Retribution

Shahru pulled out the chair and sat down. "I let myself sober up that last night and then I went straight to rehab. I stayed for three months. Those were the hardest damn months of my life. I couldn't believe what—no, who—I'd become. I couldn't believe what I did to you. That night will be with me forever, Ju." When she didn't reply, he continued.
"You deserved better than me and what I'd done to you, so once I left rehab I filed for the divorce. At the time, I still loved you. I just knew I couldn't be the man you wanted me to be. I spent a lot of time alone. I found a little cabin and tried to be sober, just me and nature. There were so many days I thought about you, about trying to come home, but I couldn't. Not after what I did to you."

"Things got better, easier, after a while. I knew I needed to get on with my life, so I did. I went through the motions. Found work in Delhi and then ended up about an hour east in a little town. I did what I had to do to survive: worked, built, ate, but it was all surface shit. I didn't let anyone or anything get close, because I was so damn scared. That's hard for me to admit, but I was. I was scared of drinking again, scared of hurting, scared of hurting someone else, so I stayed away."

"After a while things got better just like they always do, but still none of it was ever real. I smiled, I laughed, and tried to be that man I was before I lost my mum, but I was never really him again. I wanted to feel like I was him, but I wasn't."
Juhi's voice cracked when she spoke. "I would have been there for you, Shahru. Even after everything, I mean, we never could have been together again, but I loved you, I loved your mum. I would have been there for you."

Her words broke him. Even after a year of passing out drunk on the couch, staying out half the night, and almost taking another woman to bed, she would have been there for him. But he'd been too damn chicken to even talk to her. "You shouldn't have had to, Ju. Not after what I did to you. You asked one thing of me, to not be like your father, and I couldn't give that to you. I'd done enough damage in your life."

"You were never like my father, Shahru. You weren't like yours, either. You know that, don't you? You lost yourself for a while, and I'm not going to lie, you hurt me more than I've ever been hurt, but deep inside, I knew you'd find your way again."

"I didn't."

"Open your eyes, Shahru. You've always been better than you've given yourself credit for. I've always known that's why you settled for me."

His head snapped to his left to look at her.

Juhi held up her hand for him to be quiet. He gave her what she wished. "I'm not trying to say I think you're too good for me. It's just ... I think I always knew for you, I wasn't it. We cared about each other, Shahru, deeply. I know that, but I think we liked the idea of each other more than we were really in love with one another. Inside I think you wanted to prove you weren't like your dad, that you could be the typical, caring husband. And me, I was a kid, you were my saviour. You were going to take me away from the life I hated and into my fairy tale. At the time, I didn't realize that fairy tales don't exist."
Shahru sat back in awe and watched Juhi. This wasn't the girl he'd left behind. The woman in front of him was so much more mature than the person he remembered. She was a whole hell of a lot smarter than him. He hadn't realized it until just now, but she was right. About everything. Shahru had always cared about her, but had he really been in love with her? No. His feelings for her hadn't been as intense, as wholehearted as they were for Angel. He'd had something to prove all those years ago, to himself, his mum and his father—that way there would never be any doubt that he was nothing like his father.

"Jesus, Ju, did you get a degree in psychology while I was gone?" She smiled at him, making him smile too. No matter the reason for everything that happened five years ago, he'd always cared about her. He still did.

"No, I just had a lot of time to think after you left. I grew up a lot, Shahru. It wasn't overnight, but I'm happy now."

"I'm glad. I'm trying to be happy too. That's part of the reason I'm here." Shahru took a couple deep breaths. When he opened his mouth to speak, it wasn't quite as hard as he thought it would be. "I was wrong, Ju. Wrong with a lot of stuff I did back then. I should have opened up to you, talked to you. I should have gotten help before things got to the point that they did. I want you to know I'm sorry. For any way I ever wronged you when we were together and for these past five years that I stayed away. It's a lot to ask, but I wanted to know if you could forgive me?"

The heavy weight that resided in his chest for the past five years seeped out more and more with each of the words he spoke to her, until he asked for her forgiveness and the weight was no more. It was just him, no monkey on his back, no guilt eating him alive from the inside out. Just him, completely open and completely himself for the first time in his life. Even if the betrayal was too much for her to forgive him for, he'd done what he came here to do, so he could move on with his life with the woman he loved. He'd finally manned up and become a man worthy of love, worthy of his Angel.

A breeze rustled the trees. Juhi shuddered and buried herself into her jacket. The tears she shed on the porch again filled her eyes. "You were forgiven the second you showed up on my doorstep, Shahru. We were young and immature. The man in front of me isn't the same man from the truck that night. You're not the same man I knew at all back then."

Shahru stood and pulled her into his arms. They hugged for God only knew how long.
Juhi cried against his chest, and he held her. Each second the years of pain became more of a distant memory. She'd been his best friend all those years ago, and it felt good to have her in his life again. She and Angel would get along. He couldn't wait to introduce them.

"So who is she?" Juhi pulled out of his arms and looked at him.

Shahru smiled, just thinking about the woman he loved, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of her life with. "Her name is Kajol . She's amazing. Without her I probably wouldn't be here with you right now."

"Will I get to meet her one day? You're not going to disappear on me again, are you?"

"Not a chance, Ju. You're stuck with me now."

Shahru stayed until the baby began to fuss, then he let her get to her son so he could get to Angel. Damn, he missed her. When he first came here he'd had two destinations in mind: Juhi and his mum. He hadn't been to her grave once since she died. Juhi said she still went once a week, something else he owed her for. His mum had hated to be alone. She would have loved knowing Juhi still cared enough to go see her.

Right now, though, he couldn't think of anything but Angel and being with her again. He wouldn't ever leave her again. Shahru needed her by his side, always. When he talked to his mum, he wanted Angel there holding his hand.