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March 18, 20XX Wednesday 'Taehyung'
As I stare out my window, lights from the passing cars whip past me, blinding.
All the while, my memory is attempting to work.
Hearing the blare of the car horns so clearly, my eyes flutter closed.
I remember the way I hit the ground, the air escaping me, the intense throbbing of my head, even the metallic taste in my mouth as I turned my head over to see my cell phone on the ground beside me, a name on the screen.
Where was my cell phone now?
Why wouldn't they give it to me?
Then there was the girl who visited earlier: Jennie. I told her that I would try my hardest to remember her for the sake of her and our son; but when she came in, I had forgotten her all over again.
I clutch my hand at my chest.
We have a son now and I left her all alone.
I feel bad, I really do. I feel bad that every time I see her, I can't remember our past fully, not in complete control. I also feel bad that I may not be the same person she fell in love with anymore.
In frustration, I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, squeezing my eyes shut.
Work, memory! Just work!
Snippets flip through my broken memory and I'm seeing people that I haven't met yet, but I sense our bond, our friendship as we chuck popcorn at each other, video game controllers in hand.
I'm seeing memories from my childhood with my mom and my dad in them. My mom and dad happily standing in front of me as I pose in front of the national academy of arts, my first day just starting.
But where is she?
My memory struggles the most during the next phase of my life. I'm seeing myself on the soccer field, but then I'm drinking in misery, a brunette a target of my rage until suddenly, I'm standing at the platform for the train.
I'm staring across like I'm waiting for something with excitement, yet I can't understand why.
Until finally, someone's coming up the stairs and my memory remembers how fast my heart would beat.
Before I could see her, I turn around and hold my hands to my warm cheeks, too embarrassed to look.
I give out a frustrated sigh, my head throbbing in pain.
Almost.
A knock on my door causes me to turn around and catch Irene stepping back inside after filling up her water bottle.
Relaxing, I turn back towards the window.
Just upon seeing Irene, my mind had no trouble remembering her. I never understood why, but maybe it had something to do with her being the last person I really had contact with.
"Everything all right?" She asked, stepping in line with me.
I shake my head, having trouble smiling her way.
"It's just...how do I forget someone that my whole world revolved around?"
She presses her lips into a fine line. "Don't push yourself too hard to remember all your memories at once. Stress could end up making things worse."
I lightly tap my finger against my temple.
"I owe it to her," I whisper.
She raises her eyebrows. "What if you never get those memories back? What about your own happiness? You know there's nothing wrong with putting your happiness first, right?"
It's just too much of a burden...
"Earlier, how do you think Jennie felt when you forgot her again?" Irene steps closer.
I flicker my shaking pupils her way.
"It was just a hiccup," I make excuses.
She shakes her head. "Remembering, but then forgetting her...Don't you think it's like reopening a wound over and over? Don't you think it's more damaging to her? To give her hope, but then take it away? How is she supposed to heal?"
I never thought about that. What if the new memories I create end up failing to retain? Would that damage her worse?
I hold my aching head, all these blurry memories struggling to become clear.
Truth was, I may have known this whole time that it was no good for her, but having something to come back to was comforting.
But I realize now, that I can't do that to her.
Until all my memories come back, she's just somebody that I used to know.
