In Love With Sin

Chapter 3

I drove to the office the next day, slightly irritated at mother's constant banter and ranting. I wish I could move out and start my own life. But every time I tried to mention it, even discretely, I was always guilt tripped with every possible excuse in the book. It didn't help my mood that I felt absolutely fatigued and achy all over. 

I must be coming down with something.

During my break I decided to check out the other departments. I sighed to myself. Oh, how it would be nice to know what the hell you wanted to be. What did I really want in life?  I've tried almost everything possible but nothing felt... complete.

The absence of the answer frustrated me, so I took a drive to the park. I sat at one of the benches over looking the lake with a coffee in hand and contemplated how my life was turning out.

I hated it.

I hated how I just let people run me. I hated myself for being such a pushover and not taking control, but I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of failure. The life I was living molded me into such a perfectionist that I wouldn't have a clue what to do if I ever failed. But at the same time, I was failing anyway. A tear fell from my eye, as I wallowed in my own sadness.

"Krissy?" A voice said from behind me.

I turned around to find Nate smiling at me with a coffee cup in his hand. His smiled faded as he saw the sadness in my eyes.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" he asked sitting next to me.

I shook my head. "I'm too embarrassed to say."

I was clutching my hands together tightly, my knuckles were white, but I felt him gently place his hand on top of my clenched fists.

"I know I just met you yesterday, but I'd like to let you know that you can tell me anything." he said. "You seem like a great person that's lost, and I want to help any way I can."

I took in a deep breath and told him my life story. I mean, he's from Miami and is probably going back soon. What else did I have to lose?

"...I'm 26 and I still have no idea what true happiness feels like." I sniffled. "That's why I let my parents decide for me."

He took out a cigarette and offered to light me one. We sat in silence for a bit before he spoke.

"You want some honest advise?" He said as he took a drag from his cigarette. I was hesitant but nodded anyway. "At the rate you're going, you'll never be happy. You'll never please them, if you haven't already. Look at yourself, you're a successful working woman with a decent paying job who is also studying to be a nurse. If that isn't anything to be proud of, I have no fucking clue what is. But by the sounds of it, they will always be disappointed in you no matter what you do."

I started tearing up again. He gently put his hand on my cheek and looked at me.

"Happiness comes from you, and only you." he said. "You need to find what makes you happy by exploring and not letting anyone get in your way of that."

He took out a handkerchief and wiped away the tears that started to fall. I don't know what came over me but I threw myself in his arms and sobbed. He gently embraced me, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Shhhh." he said. "It'll be hard, but you'll get through it because it's what you have to do."

I felt his lips on my forehead.

"Fuck..." he said suddenly letting me go and looking into my eyes once more. "You're burning up." he put his hand on my forehead. "Yeah, you're getting sick."

The moment I heard him say that I started to feel faint and my muscles became jelly before he caught me in his arms. He carried me to the back seat of his car and laid me down gently. I felt the car start and move before I lost all consciousness.