Story of my life

B

He was Her high school sweetheart. I even got to know him. Nice guy. Their story went like this: after our date we talked a little, but, unfortunately, they talked more, and when a new school year started their relationship started as well. And of course I was there looking at them, all happy and stuff. Yeah...

I forgot to mention that during these vacation I lost about 70 pounds. In three months. The power of motivation... Don't get me wrong, I'm still very grateful for that and kind of proud of myself but the real problem is that I did it not for myself, but for Her. I had it in my mind that maybe if I looked different She would pay more attention to me. After all I wasn't wrong, but in greater scale it didn't help at all. And as it turned out it was all my fault.

So, back to them. Sometimes he was with Her at that language school so I was forced to look at them and their happiness. Again, don't get me wrong – it was good... for them anyways. I can't say I was happy, but She was, and it was important to me. Still is...

It was also the time I lied to Her for the first, but of course not the last time. As the year progressed we bonded more and more, becoming friends. At least She thought so, because as I treated Her that way, I was still madly in love with Her. But for a long time I didn't tell Her that. For obvious reasons... We talked a lot during lessons, phoned each other, chatted via computer, texted. And we talked about literally everything and anything. We could talk about whatever interesting happened during the day as well as we could simply be silent on the phone for half an hour.

What is more, we frequently talked about Her relationship, so I practically knew everything about it – its ups and downs, what made Her mad and happy, what She thought about B and his feelings. And I must say it was really hard for me but, for Her sake, I managed. And yes, I admit, I sometimes might have tried to sabotage their relationship, saying things like "You deserve better", "He shouldn't have done that", "He should think and care more about you". But on the other hand these situations were really rare and I used these kind of statements only when he did something really stupid and hurt Her a lot. Most of the time I tried to persuade Her that he didn't mean whatever he did and asked Her to try to understand his behavior. So it's like I tried as hard as I could not to say anything that could be destructive for their relationship, but sometimes I just couldn't help myself (mostly because B's stupid behavior) and tried to tell Her that he isn't good enough for Her and maybe She should break up with. Thinking of course about taking his place...

So the time went by, we were getting closer and closer. I was falling in love deeper and deeper. I seized every opportunity to meet Her. Only then I felt really happy. Time was passing quickly like lightning. But for my every smile I paid high price of uncontrolled bursts of tears every time we were apart. And knowing that She was with B didn't help me at all...

We were really close but I still wanted more. I didn't tell Her that at the time of course. I was simply happy that we could spent some time together even if it meant a lot of pain afterwards. One day I told Her that I have written a poem dedicated to Her. I wrote it about a year earlier and told Her that it wasn't very up to date because it was created at a time when I loved Her and now all my feelings towards Her were gone. It was a lie of course, I still loved Her like a mad man but She couldn't know that. She wanted me to bring it and let Her read it. So I did. I remember sitting across the room in Her home with Her as She read it. When She finished She looked at me with something special and beautiful in Her eyes.

I don't know what it was but it made me feel... happyI guess. Much, much later She told me that when She have read it, She reallywanted to come to me that day and hug me but She was afraid what it would havemean to me, to Her and Her relationship with B.

OUR FIRST HUG

This brings us to our very first hug... Maybe it wasn't very romantic (since it happened in a toilet...) but it did in fact mean a lot to me. It was at our language school. She came with B but there was something strange about them. B tried to act normal but She was different, She looked sad or even a little angry. B went home about 10 minutes before our classes started. Then She went to the bathroom upstairs and I followed. I waited until She got out and asked what happened. She said that She and B had an argument. I looked at Her and asked: "Should I hug you now?" She just nodded and I wrapped my arms around Her and pulled Her closer to me. She did the same. We just stood there unaware of anything that was happening around us, hugging each other as the tomorrow didn't exist. Finally I could have felt My Beloved in my arms. I kissed Her forehead and said that everything was going to be just fine. I know it sounds really selfish of me and it looks like I tried to seize the opportunity by using Her vulnerability for my personal agenda. Yes I did, I admit it. But I also was really worried about Her and what She felt then. If hugging me then made Her feel just a little bit better, then I would have hugged Her even longer.