Story of my life

THE END

As I mentioned in A (very) short introduction, this book was supposed to be some kind of a therapy. I just came up with it one day, don't know how, don't know why. I just started thinking about Her (as I used to every day...) and decided that maybe I should at least try doing something constructive, meaningful. So I just sat and started writing. And why in English? Well, you probably already guessed – because all of it started at a language school.

So did it work? I must say... in some way. Once I finished The End (?) I felt... hmmm... Lighter? Calmer? More sane? All of the above? Yes, that's how I would call it for the lack of better words. It wasn't like it all went away, but it made me feel better, much, much better.

But know that I think of it I believe I had some hidden agenda. From the start I planned to show this book to Her. I just wanted Her to know that such thing even existed (after all She was the main character). And frankly Her opinion didn't matter because for once it was something I did for me and me alone, and anyone else. It was my therapy, not Hers.

So after all She read it. During our meeting I mentioned in G. On my phone. Only English version (Polish was not yet done) and without this particular chapter. She said She liked it. I don't know if it was true, but I don't care now. Why? Because of my "hidden agenda".

This book was also my last attempt to Show Her how much I still loved Her. How many of you have written a whole book dedicated to your loved one? It was the ULTIMATE attempt to finally be with Her. Yes, I know She had a partner then, but it didn't prevent me from trying in the past.

And as you might have deduced from the name of this last chapter, it didn't work. What is more, it even strengthen outcome of the therapy aim of this book. She just said something that showed me that there is no way we could never end up together.

After She read it I told Her that in fact it was all I had to tell Her that day. What else could I say? It was literally our whole story. And I also told Her that what She does with this knowledge is Her decision. And She said "What can I do? Not my feeling, not my problem". Yeah... You can see my point, right?

So for me this was the end. Maybe not in a way that we will never talk or meet again, but rather that I just stopped caring. And frankly I don't know which is worse. In general I have a theory that indifference is much worse than hate, because hate is at least some kind of feeling. Indifference is... well, nothing.

And after all I gave this book to some people to read.

M (my best friend, the one who left the tulip in P Café) didn't read it yet as a whole, but said He read parts He was involved in (how modest of him... J). He said it was... intriguing.

M (my female friend I talk from time to time, sometimes about Her as well) didn't read it either yet, because she really has had enough of my bitching about Her (I can't blame Her J). But once I told Her it kind of helped me getting over Her promised She will.

A (A's sister I mentioned in G chapter) read it whole. She liked it but said I have to change ending if I want to get this published. I don't know if I want, but still I am writing this second ending J.

R (my colleague from university). He is a poet and we sometimes share our work. He is yet to read it (I believe he is waiting for Polish version J).

M (friend of A). She just wanted to read something J. Don't know if she did yet.

And last, but not least – A (from G chapter). I might have mentioned her once in this book but in fact she is partly responsible for this book. She hasn't read it yet but I know she will one day. Besides we talked about Her so much she already knows everything I put in this book (and even more...).

So I would like just to thank all of those people that they were always there for me when I felt a need to talk, people who had to listen to my constant bitching (and didn't hit me for that, and trust me, sometimes even I myself wanted to do that...).

Remember who was when there was no one