Story of my life

P

Remember my friend P? They ended up together. Yes, the woman I loved more than life and a guy I used to call my friend for more than 15 years. And they met thanks to me, so I must be quite good matchmaker. For other people... I must admit, I was angry, but it was more a sad anger, because I simply felt hopeless then. The woman you love says that She doesn't love you anymore and starts dating your friend. So there must be something wrong with me if a girl chooses a few months of texting over more than two years of actual meetings and sharing the most personal stuff. It just doesn't add up for me.

So I cannot speak for what was happening in their lives, She just stopped sharing details of their relationship with me. And maybe that's better... but I can always tell the story from my perspective.

So after I introduced them to each other at the shopping mall, they've met again at Her birthday party. The next meeting (at least that I know of) was in February, the same year I dumped Her so it was like three weeks after we split.

I went for winter holidays with my friends. I told Her that but I didn't invite Her because firstly, She already had plans for that week (some party and a trip with Her younger brother), secondly, most of my friends didn't like Her a lot.

So She went to this party with P and this must have been the beginning of their relationship, because the next day She went for that trip with Her younger brother and the day She came back She changed Her relationship status on facebook.

I know it sounds silly, but these are facts. And what might sound even more sillier – Her changing this status really hurt me. Why? Because when we were together She openly said that such things don't matter to Her and She didn't change the status after we started our relationship. Yes, I know it is really immature and simply stupid on my behalf, but it made me feel like I was some kind of a worse person. And I wouldn't mind it at all if She didn't say that this stupid status on facebook didn't mean anything to Her. But in this case it meant that She either didn't want to tell anybody that She was in a relationship (with me) or that She knew She didn't love me anymore. And the second scenario appeared to be true and I might have figured it out earlier, but I must have been blinded by my feelings.

So during this period we sometimes talked, even met with each other. But it wasn't the same altogether. Basically all I remember are three things.

Firstly, that Her parents told Her that they thought that I they were happy with how positively I reacted to the fact that She was dating my friend. Well, you may have guessed that this neither made me happy nor was completely true. I am aware that this shouldn't be like that, I should have left and forget about Her. But I simply couldn't.

Secondly, I remember specifically one day when I visited at Her at Her, let's call it "job". During vacation She was helping Her father by just looking after one of the places where he had been doing business. Nothing special then, just sitting in an old trailer, feeding the dog and sometimes give potential clients information about prices of the goods.

So one day She just called me and asked if I wouldn't like to visit Her there. And of course I went... And I must say it was really nice to meet Her. We just talked, then I went for a breakfast. KFC salad was of course a part of it. I read Her at loud a fragment of a book She was reading at a time – one of the Stieg Larsson's Millenium trilogy. And then P called and said he's coming, so I decided to leave. I wasn't ready to meet him yet. And looking at how things are right now I think I never was and never will be ready to meet him again...

But during this time there was one day even more memorable, at least to me. One time She invited Her college female friend to Her hometown and She wanted to take Her to some club. And as P was unavailable, guess who She called for a ride... And guess if I agreed...

I must admit, this really pissed me off. You know all those friendzone stories and jokes – 'We won't hire you, we won't pay you, but we will call you every time we need you and every time we would like to complain about the guy we hired instead of you'. That's exactly what I felt then. And I didn't hide it as well.

Half of the evening She and Her friend sat in the kitchen and talked while I was sitting in the living room waiting for them to get ready to go out.

When we finally went out, we got to the place where many clubs were and tried to get in. I don't know why, but She got very choosy which, combined with how I felt then, made me snap. I just said out loud that in situations like this I was glad I dumped Her. She got mad, I could tell. She said that this probably was our last meeting. So we just came back to Her home and I was about to leave it as it was, but for some reason I stayed a little longer. Her colleague went upstairs to go to bed and left us alone. We both were angry and we just sat at the couch, no one said anything. And then She started telling me about another guy...

She said that back in the city where She studied She met someone that She really liked. His name was P, the same as Her current boyfriend. She talked about him for a while, simultaneously saying that She didn't want to leave P. She felt lost and I don't blame Her. She rested Her head on my shoulder and said that She didn't know what to do next. I didn't answer, I just wrapped my arm around and hugged Her.

Then She looked at me, a single tear was dripping on Her cheek. In Her eyes I saw sadness and hopeless, but also surprise. I believe She was surprised that I was there for Her despite the circumstances. She laid Her head on my shoulder again and I grabbed Her hand and we sat like that for a good half an hour.

And at that time I realized something. Even though I was mad at Her and felt being used by Her, and even though I loved Her despite the fact that She had a boyfriend and I was only his 'replacement' in some cases, I still was Her friend. I know it sounds selfish of me thinking about myself and my feelings when She needed me more but at this particular moment I realized that I was able separate my real feeling towards Her from being a friend.

But on the other hand this realization made me even more depressed. Why? Well, I always believed that being with someone require starting from somewhere. And for me this 'somewhere' is friendship. So I didn't understand how come we couldn't be together if I was able to be something more than just a friend to Her (as our past experience showed) and also be a friend when She needed me to be.

So as it turned out, this wasn't our last encounter. After that we met some more times. And during one of those meetings She told me that She dumped P (the first one) to be with P (the second).

And that's how another story started...