Teen Idle❔Edward Nygma❔

2.Cigarettes and Vomit|enO tsuj s'tI

It's only been two days since I visited Edward and I already desperate to see him again. It's hard to only be able to see a loved one only once a week. And life didn't seem like it was going to get any easier. Still, I go through the days as usual.
I was awoken again by Alex, in the middle of the night, with a loud crash. Though this time it was followed by another, and another, and another.
I rushed out of my bed, worried about what was going on. For all I knew Alex was in danger.
When I got there I saw Alex completely trashing the place. She had a fire poker to smash everything around her.

"Alex! Alex stop it!"

I kept yelling at but she wouldn't listen.
After continuously trying to tell her to stop, finally I decided to take the fire poker away from her. When I did, out of instinct, she grabbed me and pushed me to the wall, holding a knife at my throat.
It all happened so fast, I couldn't register all of it. My eyes widened, my stomach dropped and my heart stopped beating for a moment, I couldn't even breath, but I didn't notice any of that.

All I could focus on was her and the rage in her eyes. This wasn't the Alex I knew. The Alex I knew was humorous, sarcastic, sensitive and a bit stupid, she could get angry, sometimes really easily, but not to this extent, not to the point of hurting me. She wouldn't harm me. But this Alex was full of rage, almost blood-thirsty. The Alex I knew was completely gone, replaced by this blood-hungry monster.
Then just like that, she was back.
She takes the knife away and let's go of me. Her eyes widen, realizing what she almost had done. She backs away slowly, but she trips, still drunk, and falls on her butt. She leans her head back and starts crying.

I slowly approach her and I sit next to her. I hold as she cry on me. I pat her head, soothing her.
After a few minutes she falls asleep on me.

Do you just attract toxic people?

"Do you just attract toxicity?", Queenie says from the stairs.

"Shut up."

"You need to admit, something about this isn't right?"

"It's not like you were much help."

"Well, I know her longer than you have. Hell, I know you longer than she has."

"And yet, you stay away." I gently pick up Alex and lay her on the couch, "So pardon me if I don't believe you have much say on any of our relationships."

She chuckles.

"Yeah, I wonder why I stay away from this awesome family?", she says rolling her eyes, "I'm going off to bed. Try not to get walked over too much, it might hit some sense into you."

"Just-"

I hear the door slam from her bedroom.

"-go away." I let out a sigh.

I go to my bathroom, either to get ready for the day or take some pills to go back to sleep. Immediately I notice in my reflection the bags under my eyes, and how red my eyes were. The were almost as red as the blood coming from my arm. I grab my arm and look at my injury, it was the arm Alex had grabbed me by. I stare at my hand which was now tainted by my blood. My mind just processing what happened.

I couldn't help it when I rushed to the toilet and puked. It came to a point where I was vomiting bile. i was crying as I puked my guts out. When I couldn't vomit anymore, I kneeled there, dry heaving.
When it was finally over, I just sat there on the floor, shaking. It left in awful feeling, I hated it, the puking and all the awful memories it brought with it. I hated it and it's familiarity, I hated, I hated it, I hated me. I don't know why I even puked, it couldn't have been the blood, I've seen my fair share of it and it has never made me queasy. Why? Why? Why?
Because you suck, that's why? You're so gross, not being able to keep something as simple as puke, down. You are disgusting. Just look at you, sitting there, feeling sorry for yourself. You disgust me.

I don't know how long I sat there, but when I stood up, I went to the sink and rinsed my mouth. I took out the bottle of sleeping pills, but after looking at them I put them down. I go to my room, I kneel in front of my nightstand and take off one of the wood tiles from under my bed. I go through the old stuff I had stashed there, quickly finding what I was looking for.
I take out the pack of cigarettes I had the put in there not so long ago, along with Queenie's lighter.
I go out to balcony, it was fairly cold morning, the sun was just barely rising. I look at the box, biting the inside of my cheek. I take out one of the cigarettes from the box, fidgeting with it for bit. Part of me couldn't believe I was going to do this, but before I could talk myself out of it I put it in my mouth and light it. Still, I was bit hesitant, not yet inhaling the nicotine in. I could still take out and trash it, it and the packet of cigarettes, and never, ever be this close to do it again. I could go on with my day, like normal, like always. I could get through this without this cancer stick, I could do it.

Except, I can't do it, I just can't. I wish I could, but I'm just so tired and I can't go back to sleep and hide from my troubles. I'm too tired to fight away these impulses, too tired to even quiet these thoughts down. Just this once, I can't.
I inhale, letting the toxic fumes into my lungs.