● WARNING - THIS CHAPTER MAY BE TRIGGERING. PROCEED WITH CAUTION ●
When you finally admit to yourself, you should have done it before. The reality of wanting death becomes so real. Nobody wants me here, they claim they do, but man.... actions speak louder than words, and your actions, they say they dont want me. Yet, in some ways, words still bother, when all you can say is you dont care, or your sick of me all the time. How do you think I feel, how the hell can you say that, knowing I have been suicidal before, how can you? I know you hate life, and I've tried to help, but I just dont care anymore. When all you want is to die, you don't care what you do, what you say, who you piss off, nothing. You just dont care. You find yourself randomly day dreaming about you swallowing pills, or slitting your wrists, or whatever your end may be. The sad part is, your no longer scared, no longer to scared to do anything, because if you die. You just lifted the weights off so many peoples shoulders, they no longer have to worry about you, or stress over you, or let you be the reason they are hurting.
I feel as if I want to die. Yeah, people will miss me, some will not. But who cares, because it will save those I care about, from being in so much pain of my presence. This is not a goodbye letter, its just how I feel. How could I feel I will be missed, when im told by someone that saved me so many times from committing suicide, that they don't care about me, they don't need me, or just constant reminder that just because im in pain, and I worked once, but not willing to work day after day after day without break, that im no good. They dont bother asking me for help because I give attitide. Yeah, well im tired. Im tired of blinking, tired of seeing, tired of feeling, tired of hearing. Im tired of breathing. I just cant take it anymore, I want to die. Yet, I also want to make it to the day I can be free, the day I can be free of pain, the day I can be happy. I crave revenge, revenge in a different way, I want everyone who hurt me, to see me smile, see me laugh, see me free. Free from hurt, pain, lies, broken promsies, back stabbing, everything.
Yet, I also crave death, because it may be the weak way out, but its the easiest, most permanant way to know I will never hurt again. Its easy to feel everything, then feel nothing.
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2am Thoughts
Non-FictionWe all have those thoughts late at night, rather they are good or bad, and these are my thoughts.
