If you think nobody cares if your alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Most people think they want a career, but really they want the paychecks
Better to remain silent and to be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt
Never under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxitive in the same night.
A clear concious is usually a sign of a bad memory.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The speed of time is one-second per second.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If nobody spoke unless they had something important to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of whats left of his life.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
