Divided (a Reylo fanfic)

Regret

REY POV:

"Rey" whispers a distant voice. I shoot up and look around the cabin. Everyone else is asleep, I must of been hearing things.

A face flashes through my mind like a shooting star. The same face I shut out earlier today. His captivating chocolate-brown eyes, Midnight black hair, and a child-like pleading expression full of regret and dejection.

The boy in a mask. The supreme leader. The leader of the knights of Ren. The Jedi killer. Snokes puppet. Kylo Ren. Han and Leia's son. Ben Solo. 

Anger shoots through my veins, but at the same time, pity and guilt, for shutting out the lost little boy who is trapped inside of that monster. 

I lie back down in my bed. What if that was my only chance to redeem him? what if he's going turned to the dark side permanently? if he has, its all my fault, oh Rey, you've really screwed up this one. I wriggle around and face-plant the pillow. OK Rey, calm down it's late.  I must be overreacting, everything will be fine. I can feel it. Leia and Han's son will return. 

I close my eyes and let the hushed sounds of the falcon lull me to sleep.

KYLO REN / BEN POV:

I offered my hand to her. I gave her the opportunity to rule the galaxy. To have power. To save her friends.  

No. Kylo Ren, the jedi killer, Snokes puppet, the monster offered her his hand. Not me because I am Ben. I run my hand through my hair. How can I be Ben, I've slaughtered millions of innocent lives and practically ordered the galaxy to be draped in misery, just to obtain power.

The look of anguish and disgust on her face at that moment when she shut me off, crushes me more and more every time I remember it. 

Ben regrets not offering to join her and  give peace to the galaxy as Rey desired, he could've given her all she wanted. However, Kylo Ren was longing for a powerful partner to bring his own new order to the galaxy. 

Kylo Ren wants power. Dominance. Authority. 

Ben Solo wants redemption. Respect. Peace. And somewhere where he belongs. 

I light my saber and slash its crimson beam across the charcoal wall in frustration as my two personalities confront each other in my mind. The battle between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren is killing me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't have anyone. I don't belong anywhere. I continue to shred the wall. 

I don't want this anymore. I want to be at peace. I want to be free of this pain. I need someone to help me, but I've just had that chance and completely blew it. 

I slash the wall once last time. 

I kneel there on the chamber floor, overwhelmed by the battle raging within me, completely trapped in the inescapable maze of my emotions. 

Back in that goddamn throne room I lost her. I lost Rey. My only chance of redemption.