Under the Influence

AA Beginnings

I never would have thought that I would be in this position. Falling in love at 23, then married for two years now, but it doesn't seem real anymore. This insecure feeling keeps creeping up on me as I lay in bed alone... again. She takes these trips out of the state for business. I mean, I did marry a very smart woman, but I barely had anything to my name. Unlike most, I do have my own car, and I wasn't broke. I made a good amount of money to really sustain myself, but not a marriage. In a way, she is the breadwinner, and I'm barely making payments on the rent. She pays for mostly everything, and I try my best to help out. Eventually, I did have two jobs, but I had to quit one. I barely slept and working throughout the day and night.

Sometimes when I did come home, I bought some weed before I came home. Smoked two joints or blunts, then showered and sleep. My wife hates the fact I smoke weed. Her family isn't too keen on it neither. I defend the fact that weed is a plant, and it shouldn't be considered a gateway drug, but they don't listen. They think I'm not intelligent enough to understand most things. I like having an intellectual conversation, but they don't stay long enough to hear me out.

On one hand, her mother loves me though. Her mother, Claudia, actually listens to me. Sometimes we talk about how this country is trash, and how religion is to a point evil. Mama C isn't uppity like everyone else is in the family. I can smoke with her, and just feel like I am at home for a moment. She is the only one that actually likes me and genuinely cares about how I feel.

As time pass, the love that was there before is gone. The passion from her slowly left. I don't want to make assumptions about her, but it's hard not to. My two best friends tell me that she is indeed cheating. They believe she is cheating on me with her boss. I never felt that way, until one day.

A year ago, her job threw a Christmas party. They threw it a few days before Christmas actually came around. I sat in our apartment watching the Celtics by against the Warriors. Rooting for my favorite player Jayson Tatum because he is from St. Louis like I am. Hell, some people in St. Louis don't know that there are a few professional basketball players from that small town. Well, most people think East St. Louis is a part of St. Louis, but there isn't an east side. East St. Louis is actually in Illinois, across the bridge, but aye oh well right.

Back to this Christmas party, she went to. She walks out of our bedroom in this tight black dress I've never seen before. I pay attention to her when she thinks that I don't. She looked amazing, so I asked her where she was going. She told me that there is a Christmas party at her job. So being her wife, I wanted to support her too. But she told me that I didn't have to go. I saw that her ring wasn't on her finger. So I told her that she forgot her ring. In all honesty, I thought she just forgot to put it back on. She doesn't shower or wash dishes with her ring on. I understood that, don't wanna lose it in the drain. To me, it was expensive. I paid five thousand dollars for it. All my savings went to that ring.

By the tone of her voice, she didn't quite forget it. That fake smile and reaction spoke volumes, but I ignored it. How she looked and smelled was totally different. But again I paid no mind to the butterflies, and this sad feeling I was getting. My gut and my heart raced. My anxiety started to boil once she left. Because I felt sick to my stomach, I quickly grabbed a pre-roll joint and started packing it. The thoughts and doubt swarmed in my head. That feeling of being scared to lose her came in like a boulder rolling off a cliff. Like I was Willie the Coyote and she was Roadrunner.

Those thoughts and different scenarios played movies in my head. Was it because I'm intersex, and she lost interest? Is it because I don't make a lot of money? Am I unattractive? I mean, I'm not the fittest person in the world, but I manage a good weight. Is it my glasses? Is it because of my tattoos, my need to be reassured? Am I satisfying her needs correctly? So many questions, so many unanswered ones too.

I went into our bedroom seeing tags from Fenty Savage lingerie in the bin on her side. That confused me, then those thoughts came back in. Is it too small? I don't know. I went into my stash and popped two percs. After a while, my shaking stopped, and I felt good. Going back into the living room, I switched to the next basketball game and smoked my joint.

At times it doesn't feel like I am married. Her actions speak louder than her words, but yet I'm still here wanting her