The Defiance Of A Pair Of Lilies

21 «Sorrow, and into Hope»

After that incident, I lost all of my will to fall asleep. Since it was the last thing I did before I lost my memories of him, I feared that if I slept again, I would lose all my feelings for him. It's stupid, I know. But my body just refused to. I was too scared to forget. And I was too scared to sleep, that I would completely forget about him.

Inside my room, there was no other word that could describe the state I was in. I was broken. And not only did I lose the will to rest, I also lost the will to do anything but cry. Even after my Mother tried to help me, it still didn't work. She's probably so worried right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I just cried, and continued to do so for more than days. For three whole weeks, I locked myself in my room for more than three weeks. And the only way I cleaned myself was using magic. I just didn't want to leave my room. I wanted to rest, but I couldn't.

The fear and sadness of losing him completely made me shudder. I didn't even leave any sort of thing pertaining to his name. I wanted to call him out so much but I just couldn't. I didn't even write his name down just in case, there wasn't even a single tag on the gifts I had for him. I also didn't talk about him a single time with anyone, so I had no one to ask for help in remembering him. I hate my stupid self for not even making sure of things! He'd totally scold me for my idiocy!

"It's fine, making mistakes is normal. Don't hate yourself for something so simple."

Huh…? Was...that his voice…?

I was confused, hearing his voice was so strange. It felt so new to me yet it was so familiar at the same time. I had been crying for so long that I didn't know what to feel. Was I happy? Sad? Both? And what's this warm feeling in my heart? Oh God, I'm a strange girl aren't I? Being so conflicted just because I heard his voice.

I then covered my face with both my hands. Then I noticed that I wasn't crying anymore. Almost like I had been healed just by hearing his voice, disembodied or not. I just felt embarrassed after that. If I was going to be easily overjoyed just by that, I wish I just hadn't locked myself in my room for so long! I'm such an idiot!

Carefully, I stood up from my bed. Ugh...I feel dizzy. I haven't stood up in more than a day… Then, I looked at the place on my bed where I continuously cried and laid. It was still wet with tears and was a bit stained. Plus, it had the spots you'd see when you lay in bed for too long. I'm sorry to the maids who have to work a little more than usual…

I stretched my body and soon lost the urge to do so. Next, I opened the curtains to see what time it was. It was nighttime, and it was lightly snowing. So that was why I felt a little chilly earlier. Wait, what day was it again today? I tried to trace back my memories until I reached the time I shut myself in my room. So if I counted correctly, I was in my room for a little over twenty-five days. And I was in my room since the twenty-ninth of November…

"Mmhmm…" I grumbled to myself. "So it's finally Archangel's Night…" I stared up at the clouds in which the white snow came from. I wonder if Santa is also a concept here…

Then, I hear muffled music coming from the lower floor, the ballroom to be exact. The ball wasn't actually suspended. That's a relief. I sighed. Of course, why would they suspend the ball if it was just me going to be missing? It's not like there would be a revolution when I'm gone. I'm just your normal, every day human after all.

I wonder if I could finally sleep again…

I walked towards my dresser and sit down on a cushioned chair in front of it. Looking into the mirror, I saw my face. And even though there was little light coming from outside, I could still see my tired face. I had bags under my eyes, my hair was messy, and I generally looked like a dumpster hag, or maybe even a zombie. Well, sorta… He would probably get mad at me if I said that out loud though. Actually, he would totally be mad.