Protect Me Not

Chapter 6

Victor was always watchful of Mary's actions. Her most recent emotional breakdown was the hardest one he had witnessed. Waiting on stand-by for her emotional crash was not an option anymore. He knew he had to take action.

"Are you okay Mary? Mary! Mary!" Victor was frantic.

Mary opened her eyes, visibly shaken. Tears flooded her cheeks while she openly wept. Mary quickly tried to pull herself together so Victor wouldn't start hounding her. She's always been very protective about her past and the torment she suffered. Reliving the nightmare with another person was too excruciating for her to imagine. Although Victor was aware of the details of her past, he was equally cautious and sensitive about her feelings. He knew bringing up the past was painful for her which often triggered nightmares.

"I'm fine!" Mary barked.

Victor always respected Mary's privacy on this particular matter but he knew it was time to step in and make sure Mary sought appropriate council for her inner haunting.

"Mary, I know I've said this in the past to you but I really think it's time to seek therapy of some sorts. I will attend with you if you feel more comfortable but I really think that you are in need of help," he tried to say in the most comforting voice he could. "You constantly shut me down and all I'm trying to do is help you. Let me help you," he pleaded.

"I thought I had all my feelings sorted out. I'm not sure I can open up to anyone for judgement. I should have stopped it when it was happening. I'm scared," Mary told him.

"I know you're scared Mary but honestly honey, I can't take it anymore. I'm watching you fall apart in front of my eyes and I feel sick to my stomach when it's happening. You may not know this but your constant push back and lack of self worth is killing me. I can't idly stand by and watch it anymore. I'm trying desperately to help you and I've asked you to seek help on a number of occasions but seriously, if you don't help yourself get past this inner torment..." The remaining part of the sentence was too difficult for Victor to say out loud. He paused for a brief moment but he knew the words needed to be said. "You give me no choice but to leave you," Victor told her.

Wiping away her tears and visibly shaken by his threats to end their marriage, Mary agreed to seek help but on her terms only. She would research the therapy types and choose accordingly. She also assured Victor that she would be able to handle the process on her own.

"I appreciate your willingness to accompany me but I'm certain I can do this on my own. I will do this on my own. I can do this on my own," Mary said.

As the plane prepared for descend, Mary enthusiastically started researching therapists on her laptop. It was her feeble attempt to show Victor she was serious about therapy. She felt a sense of calm overcome her. She looked over at Victor and offered a smile, mainly to show her strength but more importantly her willingness to listen to him; and save their marriage. Mary knew she was broken inside and it made her sad, even on her most happy days.

They walked through the airport hand in hand, not saying a word to each other mostly in fear of sparking a new argument. Victor was desperate to try and help Mary and the only way he knew how was to console her. His attempts to be supportive only resulted in Mary pushing him further away. He could see that she was internalizing her emotions and that scared him the most. He had observed her sleep patterns change and her increased anxiety. Victor knew her mood change stemmed from her unresolved past conflicts, but Mary was adamant on blocking all communication about it with Victor. She continually insisted that she was fine but Victor knew better.

The past few weeks had been the hardest for Victor. He could only approach Mary so many times about seeking help before she went into complete emotional shutdown. It was pouring rain the morning he told her he couldn't take it anymore for the second time in their marriage. They were both rushing from a late morning rise when their conversation quickly escalated into a fight. Unable to settle the disagreement before they both rushed out the door to their prospective meetings was the perfect recipe for a disastrous day. Victor couldn't shake his uneasy feeling knowing Mary was so fueled with anger and depression when he left her in the morning. As the afternoon drizzle faded so did Victor's guilt for pushing Mary to seek help. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he would have to give her an ultimatum. No more oscillating between happy and sad moods anymore. The first time he threatened to leave her seemed to give Mary the push she needed to start researching therapists but not enough to book the appointment. Victor wanted more out of his marriage and he was sure Mary did as well. There would be nothing left to say now except how sorry he was that she has to go through this. He envisioned different scenarios but chose to focus on the only one he thought would help. He thought about quitting his firm to focus solely on Mary and her recovery but deep down he knew that wouldn't help her. Although the idea was appealing, the thought quickly fizzled. Victor leaned up against his office wall peering out the window watching the traffic below move slowly along the busy streets. The more he thought about leaving Mary the more he got choked up. Without even realizing it, tears were streaming down his unshaven face. He desperately wanted to run to her office, throw his arms around her tightly and never let her go. Instead, he would work a full day and meet up with her later in the privacy of their home they shared and break the news to her. Victor never thought the day would come when he would have to speak those words. Looking down at his wedding ring, Victor placed his index finger and his thumb around the circular band and contemplated removing it. While debating the idea in his head, he twirled the band around and around his finger remembering the day he said his vows. For rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times until death do us part. Those were the words he remembered. He honestly believed those words at the time, but now he could see no other resolution. He pulled his wedding ring off and carefully placed it in his pocket for safe keeping. Not wearing his wedding ring would ensure he would follow through with his ultimatum, or at least the opportunity to open to the conversation. There would be no more going back on his decision. The pain and anguish of witnessing Mary torment herself with past fears and personal tortures was killing him. Victor started to tear up again. He knew that he was the one that needed to stay strong in order to save their marriage. He was also aware that sometimes letting go could be the start of the healing process. After careful consideration, Victor placed his wedding ring back on his finger, exactly where he was comfortable having it. After all, he still loved Mary with all of his heart. He convinced himself he was not leaving Mary but rather he would push her in the right direction to seek help. Tonight, he would have to approach her tenderly and try his best to explain why he was leaving her. Victor chose his words wisely in hopes that his practiced statements would guide her to the treatment she so desperately needed. Without hesitation, Victor grabbed his suit jacket from the back of his chair and headed out to the hallway to wait for the elevator. Without saying a word to anyone in his office, Victor went straight home to face the hardest night of his life. He reached his final destination in a timely manner only he was not so eager to get home that day. Victor usually pranced through the door anxiously anticipating his good evening kiss with the love of his life. That night was drastically different. An uneasy feeling quickly crept up inside him as he casually walked through the door to his once happy home. He could clearly see Mary in the kitchen preparing a meal for them to eat. He stood still and in silence observing her seemingly effortless movements. Her silhouette gliding across the kitchen with such poise and elegance, he almost forgot his reason for coming home so early.

"I need to go back to Toronto for awhile," Mary told Victor without turning around. "I know it is bad timing but my career is on the line and I have to mediate an important real estate deal that can't go wrong. I'm the only one who can make sure this deal goes through."

"How long is awhile?" Victor asked with concern as he entered the loft apartment.

"A few weeks, maybe a month? As long as it takes for me to make sure this deal finalizes," Mary replied.

"Is this really necessary Mary? I mean, I really need to talk to you about a few pressing matters that need immediate attention. I will make arrangements with my office so I can go with you that way I can be close by if you need me," he offers.

"Thank you but no. I need to take care of business like a big girl and I promise that I will keep in constant contact with you while I'm there. I think it's exactly what I need right now and it couldn't come at a better time," Mary proudly said.

Mary had been feeling the tension in her relationship for awhile. Victor's subtle hints about seeking therapy didn't go unnoticed to Mary. Although she and Victor always prided on their open communication skills, Mary knew she had to keep her mixed emotions to herself for now. If she divulged her inner torment to Victor, she knew he would try to talk her into immediate counselling. She just wasn't ready for him to be actively involved. She promised herself that she would seek help while away on business that way Victor would be none the wiser. Mary was adamant to come back to Victor a new woman. An emotionally strong new woman, just like she always envisioned herself to be. There would be no room for error. No need to worry or fuss on her behalf. She was sure she had everything under control. All her emotions in check, only she knew she was kidding herself. She was in need of some help, some serious help.

"Dinner smells amazing," Victor said to break the silence.

"Thank you. It's your favourite tonight. Stuffed pasta shells filled with a blend of cheese, sausage and spinach," Mary responded. Making Victor's favourite dish was Mary's pathetic attempt to keep her husband happy. She knew only too well that she was receiving a failing grade in every other area of their marriage at this point in her life. Her past memories were holding her hostage. Over the years, her history slowly oozed its way into her everyday life like a slow toxic spill. Her agony, pain and misery of long ago didn't disappear when she finally gained the courage to leave the monster she once loved. Instead, the pain remained locked inside her trickling into her ever moment of life and poisoning any chance of pure happiness. Mary knew she had to seek therapy in order to keep her marriage to Victor.

Asthe evening progressed, Mary and Victor found very little to speak about. They were both lost in their ownthoughts. A few times Victor would openhis mouth in an attempt to speak but would stop himself just before the whisperof his breath left his mouth. He couldn'tfathom speaking the words of leaving her at this moment. Not after Mary just announced she would beleaving their home for a month. Maybethis temporary separation would be the answer Victor was desperatelyseeking. Without witnessing Mary'sconstant emotional breakdowns, Victor would be able to concentrate on theproper steps to ensure her healing. Heknew at that moment that he would have to get in touch with his old schoolbuddy who lived in Toronto. Victor wouldmake sure that if he couldn't physically be there to protect Mary then he wouldhave to have someone else do it for him.