Protect Me Not

Chapter 23

He had been waiting by his phone with great concern for what seemed to be hours on end. Finally when the long anticipated incoming message alert rang out, Victor felt a slight relief from his growing worry. Not knowing where Mary was or how she was doing would sure to be the death of him. Of course he was eager to hear from Camden about Mary's plans and recent interactions but to his surprise, he learned that Mary did indeed make an appointment for treatment. Victor let out the largest sigh of his life. He could almost feel the physical worry vibrate past his lips as the hot air dissipated directly in front of his face. A long overdue grin grew upon his recent pale and unshaven face for the first time in over a week. He sat back on his overstuffed couch and sank into the comforting leather allowing his cell phone to slip from his hand and drop adjacent to him. The relief he felt was long overdue. His built up worry and stress proved to have some effects on him. Victor's anxiety attacks and his lack of sleep aged his physical appearance more in one week than his entire over demanding and high stress career had ever done. Feeling less panicked about Mary, Victor knew that he needed his mind and body to rest so he would be rejuvenated for when Mary returned home. He allowed his thoughts and anxiety to settle with each deep breath he took. Taking in the relaxed atmosphere and allowing his body the much needed rest it ached for was his only means of quieting his constant thoughts. Without delay he closed his eyes dipping deep into the complete darkness of his eye lids. The quiet space quickly transformed him into inner peace. He systematically monitored his breathing patterns careful to take deep breaths in through his nose, slowly and steadily exhaling through his mouth. He felt his heart beat calming in his chest with every breath he took. His relaxed state felt so good to him. His tense muscles twitched every so often as they too needed to relax from their constant stiff state. Euphoria quickly engulfed Victor's body as he continued to let his stress melt away. His exhilarated state came to a jolting end as soon as his cell phone rang. Victor jumped up frantically searching for his phone that he allowed to escape from his tight grip. His head felt dizzy as he tried to focus on the caller id. Despite the caller's name glowing through the blue hue on his cell phone face, Victor couldn't get his eyes to focus properly. He wasn't sure how long he rested but by the looks of the evening sky, he was sure at least an hour or so already slipped by. He felt instantly paralyzed when he read the caller was his wife Mary. His heart began to pound rapidly against his chest as he fumbled to press the answer button.

"Hello? Mary?" he said trying to sound calm.

The silence on the other end of the call deafened his ear drums. All he could hear was a slight muffle and the sound of his own heart beat. Unsure as to why she was calling sent Victor into a full blown panic attack.

"Hello? Hello! Hello Mary, are you there?" Victor repetitive said hoping for an answer. Desperate for a response, he found himself pacing the apartment while constantly looking at his cell phone to make sure the call didn't disconnect. He could feel the tiny beads of sweat rippling down his face onto his neck.

"Victor, can you hear me?" Mary repeated.

"I can hear you, I can hear you," he said with a whisper of relief in his voice. "Are you okay?"

"I think so," she admitted. "I feel a little tipsy from the wine I've had tonight but other than that I'm doing great," she confessed.

"Wine, okay so that explains why you're slurring slightly," he said out loud to himself.

Trying to analyse the situation, Victor found his mind thinking of a million things all at once. The lack of concentration left him unable to think straight. The fact that Mary made it entirely clear that she didn't want nor need Victor's help confused his thought process but he welcomed her surprise call. He slapped his cheek a few times to make sure he was not in a dream like state.

"I just wanted to let you know that I've missed you terribly and that I will be coming home in a few days," Mary explained trying hard not to slur.

"That's great news Mary," Victor said with some hesitation. "Are you finished with your therapy?"

Victor knew all too well that her therapy would not be completed in the short duration that she had been away for. In fact, he played down the entire thing knowing he was not supposed to have any information on her what so ever. Mary would lose all trust in him if she found out Victor paid someone to follow her. Victor figured an open statement could lead Mary into a more in depth conversation with him. He wanted to keep her on the phone, long enough to savour the sound of her voice. A long overdue conversation he was hoping would happen sooner rather than later.

"No, my therapy is not finished yet," Mary responded skipping over the fact that it really hadn't even started. "I have the green light to continue therapy over the phone so that leaves me the flexibility to come home."

"That is the best news I have heard all day," he told her. Victor's grin couldn't have been bigger if he tried. He could almost feel his love for her grow deeper within his heart. All he had ever wanted for her was inner peace from her past tortures. Her love, kindness, generosity and vulnerability were all traits he fell deeply in love with but only now something seemed different. Mary's ability to tackle her inner monsters without the assistance of anyone showed Victor how strong she really was. He beamed with joy and one day soon he would be able to tell her how incredibly happy he was for her. For now, Victor had to settle on having to bottle up his excitement and allow Mary to continue on her self help journey alone. Little did Victor know, Mary's only concentration was being able to stand in the bathroom without the assistance of the sink. Her tight grip was the only thing that kept her from falling over. Not wanting to alert Victor, Mary thought it was best to end their conversation before her lack of poor choices on drinking too much was revealed.

"I will need to wrap a few things up before making my way home, but please don't worry about me. I have everything under control," she stated just before she hung up.

Victor could not help but feel completely and utterly exhausted. The fact that Mary was on some sort of road to recovery made her absence all worth it. Knowing that she would be coming home soon put Victor at ease. So much so, he immediately fired off an e-mail to his assistant informing her that he would be returning to work the next day. Work was Victor's life outside of Mary. He felt secure and right at home anytime he stepped foot into his office. He had complete control over every aspect in his office life and that was exactly how he liked to live. Victor was sure that was why he went through so much anxiety while Mary was away. He lost control of her. There was no connection, no input, no direction and no helping with her situation. He had no control over anything she did or decided upon. He immediately felt his heart racing again. The thought of her navigating through any personal problems on her own sent his blood pressure skyrocketing upwards and rapidly. Mary was the only woman who had this affect on him and he knew it from the moment he met her all those years ago.

The morning sun was trying its best to escape the cloud covered sky when the harsh gusts of wind smashed into Victor's bedroom windows startling him from a deep sleep. It had been the first restful night he had since Mary left for her trip back to Toronto. He reached over into the empty side of his king size bed hoping to feel the warmth of Mary's body next to him. As he lay on his side thinking of her; his eyes well adjusted to the start of his work day, he could almost hear her soft breathing. A sound Victor had listened to over and over again for almost ten years. It was the sound that kept him grounded in life. The purpose for his drive and the reason for his deep seeded passion for life. Without her, he would surely be half the man he was today.