Protect Me Not

Chapter 30

Five long agonizing years passed without Mary by his side and Victor loathed every waking moment of them. He was never able to look at her picture without crying but even through his tears he remembered all of their good times together. Every Halloween he would pull her picture out of his wallet and stare hopelessly at it. This year was no different. After admiring her beauty through his constant stream of tears, Victor placed her picture upright onto his dresser. Although he knew she was not with him anymore, he often felt her presence. Today he found it extra hard to be without her. The pain of her absence was too strong to ignore. Not only did Halloween mark the anniversary of Mary's death but it was also a holiday Victor once looked forward to celebrating. Alone in his room where he and Mary once shared their hopes and dreams, Victor sat and contemplated whether or not he could continue to chair the Gala for the Homeless and Hungry. The charity was founded so both he and Mary could help bring a better life to some of the less fortunate people in their community. How could he continue to help others when he was struggling to help himself? Sure he could throw a wad of money into the Gala and dish out verbal support to others without even blinking but deep inside Victor just didn't have the strength to fake his happiness anymore. He couldn't show up at one more Gala dressed in the year's choice of costume and ramble on about how the charity was founded. He had lost his passion for Halloween, it died the same day Mary did. The past four years of hosting the Gala without her always ended up with Victor coming back to his penthouse completely annihilated. He didn't want to feel anymore, desperate to numb his pain. Getting drunk was the only thing he could do to keep himself from emotionally falling apart in front of his Gala guests.

He remembered her gentle touch and the sweet sound of her tender voice. Sometimes he talked to her picture, telling her how hard it was to live without her. He imagined Mary gently laying her arms around his neck and reassuring him that everything would be okay and that one day they would be reunited. He openly promised her that he would never forget the joy and love she brought to his life and that one day they would hold each other again.

Sometimes he pictured what their baby would have looked like. He was almost positive he or she would have had dark hair and a radiant smile that stretched across their angelic face. He knew Mary's beauty would radiate through their little soul, for Mary had the purest of souls one could have ever had. Victor envisioned walking through Soho hand in hand with his little one, eager to show them bits and pieces of the neighbourhood that only a true nature lover would appreciate. He would watch as his child ran through the grassy laneway over to the hidden playground enthusiastically waiting to be pushed on the swings.

Victor could image the endless nights he would rush home from work just to be able to get his child to their soccer game on time or maybe it would be karate. Whatever their child wanted to participate in, Victor would be happy to oblige. He pictured his vibrant wife prancing around joyfully snapping pictures of everything, wanting to capture every little detail of their child growing up. Every thought of what could have been had Victor mourning that much more.

He thought about reaching out to his grief support group, like he's done so many times before but this time he couldn't find it in him to listen to another story of how important it was to live life after the loss of a loved one. He had been doing that for five years already and the pain never dimmed. Although he did find companionship with Norah through attending group meetings, she was never able to draw him out of his depression. Norah suffered a similar loss when her husband passed away the year prior. She would tell Victor how much he was helping her to cope with her loss. Although he was sympathetic to her, he didn't want the burden of helping someone else with their pain management. Not when he couldn't manage his own pain. He only wanted to concentrate on getting his own pain to leave. The constant and relentless ache of losing his wife was too much for him to take. Mary was the only woman he shared a deep seeded love for. She was a devoted wife who believed in helping others without wanting anything in return. She didn't deserve to die the way she did. There was still so much for her to accomplish. She was just supposed to be sorting out some unresolved issues from her past. A past she worked hard to leave behind so she could move onto her future. A future she was going to have with Victor and their baby. She had so much more life to live.