𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐏𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐋 || 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐇

13 | REASONS, REASONS

【 THIRTEEN 】
➤ REASONS, REASONS

❝i'm not perfect, but
i'm perfect for you.❞

oOo

I willed myself to laugh, and surprisingly, I managed it.

My fingers brushed the crumpled shirt of the girl whose name I could taste on the tip of my tongue; but not remember.

Never remember.

Her face was but a void to me, a black streak where my mind still insisted that she was supposed to be.

Still, I laughed. I smiled, I flirted, I pretended that I had a good time, and it was really not that hard. I just found myself always wishing that it was [c/n]'s scintillating [c/e/c] eyes that I was gazing into, and not this stranger's unreadably blue ones.

I felt nothing for her.

All alone I watch you watch her,

like she's the only girl you've ever seen.

Her tinkling laughter plundered through my heart like boulders would on a mirror. It was ironic, really, that what had first caught my attention in her was now the cause of my shattered love.

God, I hated myself for this, I really did. Having messed up so badly that I was forced into the sidelines, concealing myself behind a wall, watching as she had the time of her life with another girl.

Blonde hair, long legs, and milky blue eyes: the Russian exchange student. She'd always had impeccable taste. No sooner had Natalia–– or that's what I can recall of her name–– arrived within campus, [y/n] had her latched around her little finger. I could see it in Natalia's sunny gaze; she was clearly, completely, and honestly infatuated with her. And she, she felt the exact same way.

You don't care, you never did,

you don't give a damn about me.

I wondered what she was doing this exact moment. As the foreigner slurred some words together in excited speech, I could think of nothing but her, and how she broke my heart.

What wouldn't I give to have [c/n] back? To feel her ice-hot love on my skin, to peer through the calcareous exterior she always put up for everyone, to thread my fingers through hers and bask in the comfort she offered me?

But poison cannot be neutered by taking it twice; why would our relationship be mended if we went into it once again? The pain was still fresh scars against my mind; her heartbreak had intensified all my mental disorders by tenfold. I gave a charismatic smile, lightly reaching for the Russian girl's hand. This was my only medicine for the everlasting pain.

Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her,

she is the only girl you've ever seen.

My heart clenched as [y/n] clasped the stranger's hand. What did Natalia have that I didn't? Was it her charming eyes, or her glittering smile, or perhaps the way her slender fingers wound perfectly around her dream-stained ones? She'd always said that those hands were made for but two things; surgery, and holding mine.

So why weren't they fulfilling both their purposes? Why did they only have the privilege of touching the cold metal of a scalpel, true to her dreams, and not also the warm skin of my fingers, true to her heart?

And how is it you never noticed?

That you were slowly killing me?

This hand felt nothing but foreign in mine.

And O heavens, it hurt my heart.

I hate you, I love you,

I hate that I love you,

I want her back.

Don't want to but I can't put

nobody else above you.

A cold draft struck my skin. I was alone.

And O hell, it hurt my heart.

I hate you, I love you,

I hate that I want you,

I'd had a hundred million reasons to walk away.

You want her, you need her,

and I'll never be her."

I'd never have a reason good enough to ask her to stay. 

oOo