TRIPTYCH. ( spam )

- spam

this was a vent but im ~repurposing it~ into a school spam

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guess who's first chair 😳

first chair of the second violins but still!!!!!!! am hyped say congratulations 😡😡

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i wanna Talk idk about what but something

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i am an Intellectual because i realized that if i do my english project on it devours ill be way less likely to procrastinate and. im still procrastinating lmao but LESS!! yeehaw

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okay sorry im just. gonna vent real fast because i wanted to leave my violin lesson earlier to hide in the bathroom and scream and stim angrily and all that jazz but i couldnt leave so i just kinda. came down but in a Really unsatisfying way so now i feel really off so im honna get out leftover frustration

i HATE being the way i am its stupid i want to fucking die i hate it i hate it i wish my brain worked fucking NORMAL i wish I worked fucking normal i hate it!! i want to kick my stupid adhd brain out of my fucking head!! i hate the fact that so few people irl see me as worth talking to that someone consistently saying hello to me when we're in yhe same place (because the popular girls do tiktoks with their friends in the bathroom and regan fucking hides yhere because she needs a break from socializing) is this whole big deal to me!! i hate the fact that the LITTLEST FUCKING THINGS make me impossibly angry!! this month i yelled at someone because they ate the strawberry i was going yo eat fucking last because i organize my stupid food!! it wasnt a big fucking DEAL but there i was so pissed off that i couldnt restrain myself from yelling "givr t back give it BACK what the HELL" involuntarily!! just fucking today i was so upset in orchestra that my hands were fucking shaking and i couldny control my self and i accidentally hiy myself with the fucking violin because the only thing calming me down was moving my hands in the way that is the closest to being socially acceptable!! i hate that i yelled at people so easily in my englidh class a few years back that someone in that class later asked me if i was in anger fucking management!! i hate emotional dysregulation i hate that people have told me they used to be scared of me i dont want to be scary i dont yry to be scary i dont want to be scary!! i do y best apologize and ive gotten better but its still clear that im fucking different and scary and i hate it!! i hate that someone just asked me if they could move my notebook and im over the stupid fucking moon about this brief fucking polite social interaction!! i hate that i cant do a fucking thumbs up because my skin touching my skin feels like shit!! i hate that im constantly terrified im doing a social interaction wrong because i cant fucking gauge it and i dont fucking get what everyone else does!! i hate that i zone out in the middle of conversations because i think about my hyperfixation and my eyes blur over and people worry im not fucking okay!! i hate that people CONSTANTLY misunderstand me and misconstrue me and see body language and expressions that arent there and i dont get them either!! i hate that i cant focus or work on projects right!! i hate that i annoy people!! i hate that i dont know what to do!! i hate that i stim constantly and it looks weird and i hate when people point it out like when my mom asked me if i was okay because i was wringing my hands while listening to wtnv because im afraid they think im fucking weird and i hate when people DONT point it out like when i burst out clapping my hands when my friend said i could be the voice of the project we were doing because im afraid they silently think im fucking weird!! i hate bursting into sprinting when i walk because i suddenly have so much energy to the point where i go past my physical limit and start gasping for air in winter!! i hate being so awful in group settings- no, ANY social setting that i have to take fucking NOTES and read a fuckimg BOOK on how to do shit that everyone else does fucking naturally!! i hate feeling stupid ALL THE TIME!! i hate it all!! i hate that i feel like im missing out on so much of the teenage experience because im- im so- im so fucking me!! i hate it i hate it i hate it i want to make my stupid brain work right i want to scribble all over my adhd diagnosis in the hopes itll fix me right up i want to take all my adhd meds at once in the hopes ill be fucking FIXED- oh right!! they dont fucking work!! ill ALWAYS be on a different wavelength than everyone else ill always be off ill always be different ill always be like THIS and people will always TREAT ME like this, treat me different, treat me like im diffefent and i am and god fuck i hate this i hate it i hate being so heavily flawed and i hate that the other people who i know have adhd at my school seem to do fine!! theres two kids i know who have adhd and people dont treat THEM like this why a i difeerent why do i have to be fucking diffrrnt i want to cry