Twisting Roses

25: Let Me Lose Him

-The old wounds roared again-

Hurriedly rushing to my room with a palpating heartbeat, I looked on my bed (where the twins claimed to have left my old phone) and sighed at the sight of my baba's old glitchy tablet placed on my bed, instead. My father had this old malfunctioned tablet that didn't really work, so he wanted to sale at some yard sale. While gathering stuff from my home, I guess I had accidentally brought it around. 

Going back to the twins, I showed them the tablet with my face still looking pale. 

"Is that what you tried turning on?" 

"Yes." They both nodded together. 

I took a breath of relief. 

This wave of emotions...it had me weak. I could feel Aunt Shazia intensely looking at my face, but my emotions...they had opened up. This valve, it would take time to close again. Politely excusing myself, I headed back to my room and curled into a ball. 

The hurting was excruciating.

Memories of my aching emotions...the constant pain to my heart. No matter how much I tried to deny it, I was badly hurting. Demir's attitude really did hurt me. This leaving...this new beginning...it wouldn't be able to take away all that I had been through. My mental stability was ruined. 

"You don't need to hide your pain from us," Aunt Shazia now spoke, entering my room. I quickly wiped my tears, sitting up straight on my bed. 

"Umm...it's nothing," I tried to play it off.

She shook her head and slowly walk towards me.

 "Your mom has told me about how your husband used to treat you," she moved to sit next to me. I felt embarrassed. It felt so degrading to have someone know about your weak and vulnerable moments. 

"Ummm, I am fine now." I tried covering it up. This humiliation...it wasn't meant to be known by all.

"It is-" Aunt Shazia softly caressed my cheeks, her fingers lingering on the cheek that had once been abused by my husband. "But some wounds aren't just skin-deep. They don't heal on their own and need to be treated."  I knew what she was talking about. It astounded me that my mom had told Aunt Shazia so much about how Demir used to treat me, but what Aunt Shazia had said sounded so right; being hit by someone whom you deeply care about...see as your protective shield...isn't just about skin pain. That humiliation and hurt go straight to the bones, and it pained me even more that Demir would have never been this cruel to Meeran.

I was the fool who was pathetically allowing my husband to degrade me. I felt like I no longer knew the meaning of loving someone. If caring deeply about someone wasn't about trusting that person fully, then what was love all about?

"I don't know what I am doing anymore," I confessed, sarcastically chuckling a little. "I thought moving away would immediately cure me, but I still m-miss him." My voice cracked a little. I was just feeling so embarrassed to say this out loud. The intense feeling of shame was pushing out huge tears. 

Aunt Shazia nodded her head in understanding. "One of my friends here used to suffer from a slightly similar problem," she softly grabbed my hands, rubbing them in a gentle manner. "Her husband was an uneducated man who decided to quit school after completing 8th grade and after a few years forced my friend into marrying him. 

My friend was actually studying to become the village doctor. However, after marriage, she left everything for her husband. That man...he used to beat her up on a daily basis. She would show up at my place with huge bruises on her face and just smile upon being asked who gave her the bruises. That woman was a loyal wife. However, there was always this lingering pain hidden in her smiles...and I saw her look so lonely when she told me about her husband marrying a city girl and bringing her to their small home. It was so devastating to see my friend slowly break in front of me. No matter how much she tried denied, I knew that she was badly hurting. She wasn't strong enough to confront her husband so just tolerated the abuse.