Ego's Trap | ✔

40 | Rays of Sunshine

☆☆☆ Chapter 40 ☆☆☆

Rays of Sunshine

Daniel's cheek rested comfortably on my chest as his arms held me, as the sun's rays embraced his angelic beauty from the edges of the curtains, as I ran my fingers through his hair, sometimes breaking the stiffness of the gel that held it together. His breathing was shallow, suggesting he was still deep in his sleep, but his eyelashes brushed against my skin as he blinked, and so he was awake, just silent, letting the peace in the room swell his heart with nothing but bliss.

And yet, I was far from feeling the same. Very, very far.

Last night was the best time of my life, but something held me back from fully embracing that fact when I first woke up── the mirror by my bathroom. It glared at me with the same rays that touched Daniel's angelic self. What it wanted from me, I had wondered earlier. I scanned my head and its every corner for an answer, past the most painful of memories, past the ones I wanted to forget far more than words can describe. I found the answer after some time, and it wasn't a pleasant one: the mirror didn't want me to forget, to let go of the pain, to leave it on its own. It was afraid of my feelings changing overnight, and so it made sure to make me feel horrible when I woke up from the most peaceful sleep I've had in years; one where I didn't need my trusty knife to keep me safe and warm for the night, under my pillow.

But my god was the mirror wrong, so, so very wrong. How can I possibly forget what I am, what I have become over the years, and the people I've hurt── my own self included? How can I change overnight? The mirror was being unreasonable. Daniel himself told me of how impossible that was, no matter how much I wish for that, no matter how much I forced myself to believe in such a thing, no matter how spooky but awesome that sounds.

Last night was the best time of my life, but the mirror wanted me to say otherwise. Should I continue to let it do what it wants with me today, as it did yesterday?

Last night, before Daniel came to my room, I tore my heart out of my chest and let it bleed on the floor with my tears, beside the dying beanies. Did it want me to be that way for the rest of my life?

I... I don't want that, but, but which part of me was scared, which part of me wanted to keep crying on its own and wail apologies that had no meaning if they were not put to the test? Which part of me fears the shell that has held me hostage, in some dumb form of codependency? Which part of me fears me? Which part of me claims I don't deserve anyone? Which part of me claims I can change, but not change? Me. Which part of me claims I don't deserve Daniel, claims that I'm nothing but a broken person? Which part of me feels I have changed, but has not changed? Me. Which part of me claims that I am no victim, that I am brave, that I have survived and am therefore beautiful? Me. Which? Me. Which, which, which? Me, me, me!

Me, myself, and I. I am every part of me.

Am I the mirror? It seems so. Definitely so.

Why do I still have doubts? Why do I still fail to find peace and rest in the most peaceful of moments? Why can't I be normal──

"Ane," his voice cried. His hands held my shoulders, kept them in place. His eyes were wide, a little frantic. I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have. "Ane!"

"Yes?" I replied, blinking a couple of times. "What's wrong?"

"Ane you── all of a sudden, you... you... for a minute, you... " He sighed, shutting his eyes and biting a side of his lip. "Gods, Ane, you scare me. What, what happened? What were you thinking about?" He choked out, but even then his voice cracked too much, and felt too choppy.