Sweetest Little Show - Paul McCartney Fanfiction

Chapter 36 - Drained

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PAUL

I went out the house for a bit after that. It was so strange how you could put someone through so much heartbreak and then all of a sudden feel so attacked when it comes back to you. I wish she could see that I love her.

When I was young, I thought a life just driving in a truck and living on a strong love and belief in God would be enough. I suppose that doesn't seem so bad now. I wouldn't have to worry about not having any time to myself, I'd get to just drive away to wherever I wished, and I wouldn't have met the one girl I can never seem to keep myself away from.

It sounds bad when I talk about it like that, but sometimes I wished I never met her. And I don't mean that in a way that I'm saying I don't love her, because I really do. When I say that I wished I never met her, it's because it would've meant we could've been spared the heartache. Maybe she would be living a better life without me.

Everyday after losing her, I hated myself. I woke up and I didn't care. Sometimes I wanted to wake up in some different life so that I wouldn't know what it's like to be so madly in love with someone who I don't deserve.

I remember when I used to question how someone could say they've changed so much within a year and wish they could go back and behave differently. Before, I thought it was stupid, it was only a year so surely you couldn't be so different, but I was so wrong.

I'd been so wrong about everything. Thinking I could do all that and still get to keep her, I must of been really immature. She's made me a better person, but all I've done is screw her up more.

Pulling over, I grabbed my wallet and pulled out a photo of my mum. She would be so damn disappointed in me. Not very long ago, I was telling her how happy I was that I had found the woman I love. Now, I would be telling her about how I ruined it all.

"Mum," I spoke, looking up at the clouds for a second before looking back down at the photograph, "I've really messed up. I messed up so badly. I lost the one I love, she hates me now. Jackie's done with me. I tried so hard to tell her that I love her, but she's convinced herself that I don't and it's been breaking my heart. I don't wanna lose her, otherwise it means I've lost all the women in my life that I love. Y-You were the only other one."

I pressed my lips together as I rested my head on the steering wheel, just needing to put my head down to think for a bit. It was only when I felt like everything was falling apart did I sit down and talk to my mother, wherever she was.

"What do I do, mum? How do I get her back?" I asked. "All I want is to have her back, I just want her to let me love her again! I wish you could talk to me, tell me what to do. I'd even be happy for you to yell at me let me know that I'm an arsehole. I just wish you were here, I need someone here to help me. You're the only one that could ever still love me after knowing what I did."

My mother would never get to be here to see all this happen, and that's what crushes me the most. Now that I'm older, I realise how incredibly important a mother is. It was in times like these that I needed to sit down with her and get that feminine touch to my perspective. They were much too wise for this world, mothers.

  I started my car up again and drove down the familiar neighbourhood, heading to a house with people that were like my family. Quickly heading past the gates so I wouldn't be swamped by all these girls, I went to the front door and waited, hoping I'd be welcomed in if they weren't too busy.

The door opened. "Paul? What brings you here?" Cyn asked.

"I need people to talk to. I've done something really bad, really terribly bad," I admitted.