Bloodlust

chapter seven

-7-

I don’t bother changing my clothes, and I think I even left my shoes are still on. I don’t know if I slept that night. I just remember staring at the wall as I listened to the dull throb of my heart, wondering why I’m alive and not Christopher. The room gets light and I only move out of habit, even though I don’t want to do anything at all. I change into a new shirt and sweatshirt. I’m wearing all black for a reason. I put on eyeliner and Alex and I meet in the kitchen. He wordlessly hands me a mug of coffee and a protein bar. I stare at it for a minute, contemplating what to do with.

“You need to eat something,” Alex says. His voice is raspy. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to do anything. I feel like there’s something inside my head that’s slowing me down and blurring everything. Alex says something about Becky and leaves the room. I’m barely pulled out of the fog when Becky speaks, so alive and unknowing of everything.

“What’s wrong?” Becky asks Alex.

“Nothing,” he says. “I’m going to call Mommy and Daddy,”

“Other Daddy,” Becky corrects and Alex’s face sinks a little more, if that’s even possible.

“Yeah,” Alex says, “Sure, other Daddy.”

I barely remember the walk to school but as soon as I get there I’m swarmed by people. Christopher was friends with Scarlet, Drew, Alex and I, were his main group of friends. Drew comes and joins me. I’m momentarily stunned at what he’s wearing; it’s something Christopher would wear. It’s clothing that’s all black and none of it looks worn out or unflattering.  Out of the four of us, Drew was closest to Christopher; they proved the theory that opposites attract.

“Hi,” he says as he comes next to me.

  There’s an announcement over the loud speaker that tells us all we need to report to the auditorium for a special assembly. Scarlet joins us on our way there, wearing a black dress. People give us space as we walk to the auditorium and sit down at the front; at some point Jeff takes his customary seat next to Scarlet, holding her hand.

  Some people wish us condolences and we nod in acknowledgement. The principal goes up to the podium and gives a huge speech telling us how amazing Christopher was, how good of a student he was, and how everyone he knew loved him. I want to yell at the principal for falsely preaching about who Christopher was.

So many people didn’t appreciate Christopher. He was made fun of and called gay because he had a sense of style and cared about how he looked. The principal is talking about Christopher like he knew him. He tells us about a Christopher that we don’t know and that never existed. He tells us, Christopher’s friends, that we should have gotten to know him better. He tells us things about him that weren’t true. The principal is lying to us and I hate him for it. I don’t care if the words are rash. He’s lying about one of my friends to my face.

“Let’s get away from this lying bastard,” Drew says, pure malice in his words. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that the principal is telling us all a big lie. We stand up and Scarlet leans towards and glares at us.

“Where the hell are you two going?” She hisses.

“Away from this liar,” Drew says. We walk out together, nobody bothering to stop us. They probably think we’re leaving because the principal’s speech is too much for us to handle. We get out into the hallway and Drew punches a locker.

“Why did he have to leave?” Drew screams as tears start running down his face, he bangs his fist on the locker again. “Why did he have to leave me here?”

“Drew,” I say taking a step towards him.

“Why did it have to be him?” he asks. “Why the fuck couldn’t it have been one of those assholes that called him a fag?” He collapses against the locker and starts sobbing. I sit next to him on the floor and he leans into me. “Why couldn’t it have been me? I don’t have a chance. It should have been me.”

“Drew, don’t say that.”

“Why the fuck not?” he yells, “It’s not like we have a chance compared to him! We both know he was going places!”

“We can go places too,” I say. “You can live your life the way Christopher didn’t get to. You can do something with the passion you had and with the passion that Christopher had. You can live for him.”  

“I don’t think I can do it,” Drew says quietly.

“You can,” I say as I pat him on the back. I look into his eyes and make sure he hears how serious I am when I tell him, “You will.”

The rest of the day passes in a fog of people offering condolences. The funeral is tomorrow and I need a suit. Alex and I are different sizes so I can’t borrow one from him. I have to go home and get one. Alex and I walk in silence. We separate at my street and don’t say goodbye. We just nod to each other. I get home and my mom immediately rushes towards me, enveloping me in a hug.

“Oh my goodness, Anthony, I am so sorry, I’m so happy that you’re okay!” I simply push her away. “I’m moving out,” she tells me and I turn to face her.

“What?” I ask, the words settling and a wave of fear and rage coursing through me.

“I’m moving in with Kate. You know, from work?” She looks at me earnestly. I remember Kate. Still shocked at the fact that my mom is moving out I nod slowly, unable to reply. “Well she said that I could stay with her until I find a better job and can afford my own place. I’m going to file for divorce,” she says and she smiles at me. My expression remains blank and her face falls a bit before she continues, “You’re going to have to stay here until I get custody,” she says quietly and I get that she regrets every word, “Kate can barely afford to take me in and taking you would just be too much. I’m sorry.” There’s a glint of tears in her eyes. But she’s leaving me with the man that has done unforgivable things to her. I know how much she needs to run away, but when she leaves, who’s going to be the one in my dad’s line of fire? Me. 

“You can’t force me to stay with him while you run away,” I say, my voice low and full of venom. “You can’t make me stay here! He’s going to be pissed at you and he’s going to take it out on me! He could kill me! All you have to say to that is sorry? I’m sorry I’m leaving you to face against your alcoholic father?”

“Anthony, you know that this is the last thing I want to do! Do you think I want to leave you here with him? This is the only way we can make things better!”

“There has to be something you can do!” I yell, angry at being left behind like this. Something deep down tells me I should be grateful that my mom is doing this and that this is a chance to live a better life, but the fear and rage are too overpowering. “You can’t just leave me here to die!” I shout.

“Do you honestly think I’d leave without knowing all this?” my mom asks me. “Do you think I made this decision on a whim, knowing I was leaving you behind?”

“You’re running away you’re leaving your son to be beat by your husband!” I reply in pure fear.

“I am doing this for you, so you don’t have to live like this!” she tells me and I can hear the pain in her voice.

“You can’t do this to me.” I tell her as I storm upstairs and grab my suit. I meet her on the way down and her arms are crossed. She’s staring at me with a pained expression. “You’re not the only one that can run away,” I tell her as I walk out the front door and slam it behind me.

With the empty slam I realize that in the house just now, I was turning into the man my mom is running away from.