U N S A I T H

A Caprice of Bravery and Faith

I have a broken family ever since I was young. Yet, my mother made me feel as if nothing was missing—everything was complete. She endured all, sacrificed everything for my sake.

One time, when one of my cousins was playing with her phone, he accidentally dialed my father's phone number—that was the beginning of our communucation with him. I was 6 years old back there. That was also the time when he started to provide my needs regarding school—maybe trying to fill his responsibilities after years of being out of my life.

Sixth Grade, I realized that I was blessed, still, because even though my parents were separated, he never forgot or abandoned his responsibilities to me as my father. And I knew—even when I was little—that I have had step brothers and sisters. I accepted it. I loved them and there was no single way I would hate them.

Summer, before I entered grade ten last 2018, we had a vacation in Manila. It was the second time I saw my father—the first was when I was still in fourth grade. He apologized for what had happened, not being there by my side when I was growing up so fast, and I knew in myself, I forgave him already. I loved him. He was my father but that does not mean I should love him thereupon. My mother told and taught me to, even though they were separated and eveything that happened between them.

Unfortunately, I thought it was sincere and true because he wept right in front of me. I did not know how and what to feel that moment. I was glad that that bliss made my baggage less heavy and lesser to carry. But my father had done the worst thing to me being a woman.

Before anything else, please don't judge him because he was just a human being like us all. I'm not sure what exactly was happening with his life since we were not always together. Maybe he really did not want what happened, I think. I really did not know but I knew there was a reason—everything has. And yes, it was hurting and still hurting.

It was hard to accept what happened because of course he was my father and yet, I experienced that traumatic sexual harrassment from him. I guess I could never really forget it. The longer the time it spanned, the emotions and everything about it comeback clearer than the preceding memories, horrible than any other nightmares I had surpassed. It bothers illy, having trauma like this.

Before that bad dream, —I wish it was just like that—I went to meet my siblings. I would never forget being happy that day. That was the day I first laid my eyes on our youngest brother. And by the moment he set his sight towards me, he was, forsooth, smiling. My younger sister was the one who opened the door to let us in in their house and I could see the excitement and euphoria within her visage. My elder brother, on the other hand, was kinda and a bit bleak towards me. I did not find it rude because it was just natural. Well, the reason was because my father told them about me just the night before I arrived there. My younger sister even cried because she thought our father had me adopted by some people and retrieved me just that time.

However, our youngest boy was a joker. When he saw me, he immediately shook hands with me and said, "Hi, Ate." At first, my younger sister was a little shy but then, before we slept together, she told me that she really thought that I had been lent away. Then, my elder brother, at last, made me feel I was there with them. We became just fine as siblings, especially when we had a trip to Bicol which was our grandmother's resident province. The place was indescribably astonishing. Their house was located by the sea where the water was undeniably clear.

I thought I would finally have something to tell to my friends that was pure as the waters in the beach where my grandma were. Back there, I only had three days left staying and having fun with them before I leave back to Negros where my life was still ongoing, when I was sexually harrassed by my own biological father. As time passed by faster and faster, I soon recognized those unpleasant events as blessings in disguised.

Those unpleasant happenings which were unworthy to remember made me realize, without doubt, that my mother loves me so much although we never really understand each other that deep—a mother-daughter relationship, supposedly—and I frankly admit that I have a pretty little hate towards my mother. I even planned to finish my studies in my father's place but I felt guilty having grudges towards her, when she was the only one that I really have, and I know, I could feel it, she loves me in whatever way I am. I as well felt that I was truly loved by my friends whom I could call the bests. Well, we call ourselves "The GFs". The care was obvious. They were the ones who stay by my side when I was battling with my trauma anyway. It was also because of what happened that my faith in God, My Saviour, became quite stronger than it was before. Honestly speaking, I'm still suffering in trauma because that horrifying nightmare keeps coming back sometimes but because I know that my ever redeeming God has a plan and reason, I can withstand and conquer these life obstacles; not because I can, but because I have a God I believed in.

Nevertheless, until now, I still don't know how to forgive my father, but I know its right time was long settled by Him. Life is, by all means, amazing if you have a God in your heart. Life will never be easy and will never be happy if you don't have Him. When the time comes that you are about to surrender, have faith in Him and tell yourself—convince yourself—"All is well."

Everything—right from the tiniest to the most enormous unimaginable—has a reason. We just need longer patience because all has been written by God; and it will be done. We don't need to rush things because in the end, we will only find ourselves suffering. Let us enjoy life and make God the center of all our decisions so that we will never get too far from His plans for us. Do not put your expectations on people, put it on the Lord instead for He will never fail you, nor forsake you. Just always remember that anything from this world is only temporary; the tears and laughters are just temporary as it is, but the greatest love and faithfulness of all from the Lord is forever. Always put in mind and bosom, in God alone, you can experience forever.

~ Savvy - _ -

ENDNOTES

Min-na, a narrative essay which is, by all odds, a true to life story. This is from a mixed Hiligaynon, Tagalog, and English languages translated into one language. The thoughts are not mine but it's someone's. Respect, kindly. Arigatou.

Definition

Ate —> Filipino word for an elder
               sister.