The journal of odd occurences

Far from home.

Currently it is 3:42 AM. I lie in bed and contemplate whatever led me here. Was it fate? Was it a coinsidence? I may never know. All that I do know is, something led me to him. And something kept me from death. There was the spark most speak so tenderly of; the vivid connection that forms between two individuals. I may never understand it quite well, however there was something. The very thing that pulled us towards each other. It is the most intoxicating feeling in the world. Any would find difficulty explaining exactly what it is; even the grandest writers of all time. All that I do comprehend is, it feels different from all that I have ever felt. A connection so terrifyingly strong that I'm sure any would have felt it with just one glance. They would think: "but wait a moment, these two are different.." 

Many would read what I have written and pout, or perhaps even recoil. "I've never felt that. You must be quite delusional!" I assure you, that very doubt keeps me awake. I know from experience I must trust myself more, however I simply cannot. In fear that I'd be wrong, in fear that I'd lose everything with just that one silly mistake. I am foolish, I am lost, and I am far from home. So lost that in fact, I've lost sight of where home is. Where it could be. Home is where the heart is, they say. A person can't be home, can they? Yet everything I have seen leads me to believe they can be, and more. Alas, I sigh in hopes that the wind will carry me away. Far from my troubles and my emotions that tear me up inside. We are most honest when we are exhuasted; and I will not deny that fact. What has led me here? Do any hold the answers? 

Often I ponder to myself that perhaps I do not wish for the answers any longer. Then what keeps me? This force of which is unknown to me, why must it exist? Why must it bind me and my tongue, lest I speak? Lest I flee? I've wished to for so long, yet it holds me fast and whispers: "not yet." My heart aches and my mind falters, all of it in vain. So I speak here, in hopes that perhaps one day it shall set me free. The longer I wish for an escape from my tears, it pulls me tighter towards him. Once I convince myself it is all but a mere illusion, he speaks and I stagger once more. What illusion must this be, to be so real? I do not wish to know any longer, due to the fact that I feel the truth would kill me and my joy. It would crush me. I am afraid of what is to come, and afraid of what is. I am far from home because I am far from him. And that is the most terrifying truth of all. 

I need to be away from him. Just to allow my drowning heart a gasp of air.