The journal of odd occurences

Terrible.

You see, I am not sure how to even begin. Or which topic I must address first. As of late, there has been something the matter with me. Physically, I.. I have been getting better. I've gained weight at last, after all of those sufferings. But.. Mentally, something only continues to progress. There is... You see, I firmly believe that I must have hurt those I love. It must surely be a misunderstanding. If you are reading this, I wished to tell you what exactly happened to me, in hopes that you may listen. This may be the end, or the beginning,  of my sorry tale. 

First of all, I am no liar. No matter what you may think, I've only been speaking the truth. And nothing but the truth. What on earth would I have to gain from lies? For goodness sake, I LOVE you. No, that is not exaggerated. I do. AndI always will. From the very beginning, I've always believed in you. I know you must think of me as vile and terrible. But I have not been mimicking you. Not in a billion years would I ever do so. It pains me to see that you think I ever would do such a vile thing. My situation is different, you see. It is psychological but not related to you in any shape or form. It is my own struggle. My own pain. No, I haven't suffered trauma as a child. This isn't trauma, it has nothing to do with it. Regarding my dear mother, she was simply anxious. I did explain to you. My troubles are not connected to her either. This is a conflict inside my head; the whisper of who I used to be. Often that side wishes to return. It isn't me, but it is. We all have our demons, as they say. She is mine. I am forgetful, but that isn't due to her. She is me. Of course she is. We aren't seperate individuals. 

See, you must communicate your worries better. I will never know if I've pained you if you never speak. It never was my intention to hurt you or to Mimick you. It may sound eerily similar, but my situation is quite different from yours. I'm constantly in a battle with myself. In order to remain kind, to remain... Me. Because I don't like to be angry or unkind. That side of me mustn't exist. Ah, how difficult it is to explain. But I assure you, it isn't what you deal with. My past simply continues to haunt me... If after all of this, you still do not believe me, then please forgive me for not taking your feelings into consideration. I was panicking, unsure what the matter was or why my mind felt as if it'd fall apart. Then I suddenly remembered. This always happens. Every few years, it returns much stronger than before. I can't be sure what on earth it even is, but after that nightmare I can no longer contain it. I've been fighting for many years. It is a darkness  of which I cannot escape. It's just like my shadow. Quite attached to me. It is my darkness, my demons. I do not know what will occur. I'm frightened. I'm frightened by it all. During my "episodes" or extreme panic attacks (which are a result of my mind literally tearing itself apart) I an frantic about looking at myself in a mirror, or gazing out the window. I feel in danger. I know I am in danger. 

In hopes that you may forgive me because of my inability to explain well at the time, 

Rose.