The journal of odd occurences

Hello again.

I...I do not know where to begin. Even if I spent hours attempting to find the right words, I could not. You see, much has occurred since my last...entry. There is so much I'd like to say, yet I know now is not the right time. The words are difficult to write down as it is. You see, I found that I could not leave. No matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't. The pain is immense, that is for sure; my heart is torn to bits even at the mere thought of leaving them behind. I know, I am just as puzzled as you must be. Why is it that I cannot leave? Why was I led to them in the first place?

If you were awaiting an answer, I'm ashamed to say I have none. There is simply no sign nor direction I could follow to understand any of this. I am just as lost as any. You may also be wondering why it was me, out of the billions of people on this planet. I do not hold the answer to that, either. It does keep me awake at night; I lie, gazing at the ceiling sorrowfully as if the answers are carved onto it. Or rather, I continue hoping they are.

What I do know is this: The connection is that of different origins. Never have I encouraged such a strong connection with anyone. It is quite...unique, one might say. And so very beautiful. Another point I must note is the fact that I appear to be different than anybody they have ever met as well. Now that is certainly  fascinating. This may sound odd to most, since you must be afraid of said individuals. They are more human than any human could ever be. There is so much good inside of them, you couldn't even imagine it. Oh, but this connection is not all rainbows and sprinkles.

I am not suffering whilst staying, do not get me wrong; being with them is the happiest I could ever be. The pain does not lie there. The pain is deeper, and darker, than anything you could have encountered. The pain is rooted deep within my heart, and it aches so grandly, I couldnt possibly silence it. It is the fear of loss, and of abandonment. Whilst I stay, I fear I may never be good enough. I fear that perhaps I am not that different from others after all. That perhaps I am that selfish, and I am that unkind. I must be. Where does this fear stem from, you ask? Why, from my early childhood to now. Many that I have come to love left me behind. So I'm afraid this will be no different. The universe must be playing a sick joke on me, leading me to them. Making me happy. But then, that is typical of the universe I suppose.

I could leave those individuals behind, but them? No. Never. And this frightens me even more. Knowing I could not move on if something does go wrong. Even now, when we barely speak, or not Speak at all, I find my love for them only continues to grow. Each moment and each conversation only brings us closer. And it frightens me more each second. Why is it that I must be so selfish? They would be better off without me in the way. And yet I..I continue to stay. I wonder what my purpose is with them. It brings me so much joy to pull them through the darkness with my light. But it isn't strong enough to save anyone in the end. Often, my light is flickering so wildly that I can barely find them through the darkness. Sometimes, I dont find them at all. I wonder if there truly isn't any other purpose to me. But I can only provide light, in the end. It is their choice to follow it. I couldn't fight their battles, as it is a battle with themselves. And only they can fight that. But I...I cannot provide light for them all the time. Especially now, when my heart is aching everything moment. I try, I truly do, however I could never be good enough. Was I ever? I know I haven't a right to be upset, when they are fighting monsters bigger than anything I have and will fight. Yet I cannot help myself.

I believe enough has been said. My heart couldn't take any more, as I simply end up degrading myself the further I speak. I do wonder, sometimes. Where did all of my joy go? I used to be the one with the brightest light anywhere. Yet now I couldn't even muster up a flicker. Nobody enjoys a withered Rose. It loses its beauty and its pleasant odor. I must fix this, for I will be abandoned again, but the harder I try, the worst it seems to get. Nobody likes me this way. They liked the old rose. The pleasant rose. The cheerful rose. Who am I? Nothing. A Rose that no matter how much you water, won't come alive again.