The Heart Of Ace

Chapter 47

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Everyone thought I was perfect.

My mom thought I was unable to be anyone other than a kind young man. I was her innocent little baby.

Robbie thought I was an Angel. His Angel to be precise.

Jason thought I was pure and needed protection from all the evil lurked in this world. He was my big brother as he thought of himself.

Liz thought I was a perfect man who took familial values to the core. She thought I could never cheat or love a cheater.

But was I?

Not even close.

I had so many flaws, even the ones I knew, I refused to change.

I knew I was a passive-aggressive bitch.

One of the reasons when Aunt Marie and I fought, there was nothing anyone could do, because we stuck to our rights rather than acknowledging our wrongs.

Another one was I was not a person to forgive.

Forget, I could do but forgiveness never came easy for me. And the more time they took to convince me and apologize, the more reasons I found to stay away from them.

Forgetting was easy. I would pretend I was not hurt and made sure I would never put myself in that position ever again.

But forgiveness. It took integrity, it took strength, it took courage.

It took integrity to accept the hurt, strength to go through the pain again and courage to be vulnerable by putting ourselves in the same spot.

I never did forgiveness.

If they hurt me they did not deserve to be in my life. I would cry and scream but I would never give them the place they had in my life one more time, so they could hurt me again.

Robbie hurt me. He went with his wife to Paris, made a fool of me on my birthday, made me cry for days. That was a solid reason to make myself pull my heart away from him. I could not do it!!!

I tried sweeping it under the rug, forgetting the pain.

I thought I just had to promise myself that I would never wait for him again, or have back up plans so, I would not be in loss when he ditched me...again, or not to expect myself to be treated like I was his everything...again.

Why did it hurt still, when I distance myself from Robbie?

I was back at college, after spending the rest of my vacation being Robbie's one and only.

For the past few days I had these emotions I could not control. I had these feelings of insecurity, worthlessness and over all sadness I could not shake away. I pretended to be okay.

Robbie and I talked by phone though I refused to save his contact or call him.

We had occasional video chats though I refused to be sexual.

We chatted though I refused to initiate a conversation.

It was difficult to describe. I thought I would be okay especially 'he took me to heaven' more than once but 'after' I had this voice claiming the heaven was not mine; I was merely a visitor.

It would have been bit more easy if nobody poked on my feelings.

But someone did! Two someone-s.

The first one set everything on the fire of my undoing and the other added fuel so I would burn. I never liked dealing with pain.