"I am not gay"

Pure Bliss

This was happening.

I'm still in shock as Carl and I lock lips.  It was everything I had imagined and more.  He placed either knee at the sides of my hips, straddling me.  One of his hands wondered south, and then back up, this time underneath my shirt.  I groaned slightly as his cold, slim fingers traced shapes across my chest.  He removed his hand and looked at me, tugging on my shirt like a small child with a pleading look.  I smirked at him as I started lifting my shirt as he smiled.  He went in for another kiss, but I placed a hand on his chest stopping him as I pull at the collar of his shirt.  He sighed and threw his head back and then took his shirt off.  I sat up as he looked at me slightly confused.  "Look, I- I've never really, done this."  I say realizing this has all been happening on drunken and high thoughts and impulses.  Carl thought about it for a second, and set his forehead on my chest.  "Carl, we really shouldn't, we're both really drunk and high, and we'll probably regret it later..." I say quietly, putting my hand under his chin, and lifting his head up to face me.  "Yeah, you're right" He sighed and then looked at me, then down at himself "I mean.. I've always kind of questioned my sexuality since Ian came out... But, you're not gay.." Carl said quietly, but his eyes widened quickly as he practically jumped off of me and damn near fell of the bed.  "I just made out with a straight dude!  I just made out with a dude! And, I'm a dude!" It had just hit him what happened.  

"Elliot, I'm sorry"  He looked up at me with sorrowful eyes.  Damn, he's really cute when he looks at me like that.  I sighed as I put my head down and let it hang there for a second before I looked back up at him.  "Carl, I'm gay.." I tell him as I chuckle slightly, coming out twice in one night.  Interesting, but impressive.  "Oh, you- you are?  But, what about Emily?" He questioned.  "We just broke up tonight." I sigh slightly remembering what happened leading up to all of this.  "I'm cold, and I didn't really have time to grab a sweatshirt.." He smirked and looked at me with an expecting look.  I chuckled and walked over to my closet.  I pulled out one of my many sweatshirts then headed back to my bed, and handed it to him.  He pulled it on happily, grabbing my hands and pulling me on top of him.  My hands set above either of his shoulders, one leg between his and the other at his side.  He reached his hands up, one behind my neck, the other holding my face, his thumb lightly rubbing my lower lip.  He pulled lightly with the hand behind my neck, bringing me in for another kiss.  "So, what's happening here?" I ask him.  I know he said that he was questioning, but he never gave a direct answer.  "I- I don't know.  Can we just enjoy this now?  And talk later?" He seemed almost desperate and pleading.  I sat up as he looked at me confused, but before he could say anything I pulled him onto my lap.  

Holding him by the waist, he put his hands on the back of my neck and pressed our foreheads together.  He leaned in kissing me again, slowly trailing them down my jaw, then neck, working his way to my chest, his mouth leaving purple-red marks in it's wake.  I put my hand under his chin, and lifted making him look up at me.  I gave him a quick kiss, then I grabbed his hand.  Kissing each knuckle on each finger, then up his arm, moving up to his neck.  Starting to lightly bite small areas of his neck, leaving tender bruises behind.  He gripped my back, nails slightly digging into it.  As I continued a small moan slipped from his lips, and his hands moved down, leaving scratches where his nails scraped across.  It wasn't a bad feeling, I actually didn't mind.  I grabbed the side of his neck, continuing in a line, almost making a necklace out of the marks.  My other hand went down, hoisting him slightly by his ass.  I laid him down on the bed, lifting sweatshirt slightly, giving small kisses on his stomach.  My hand slipped under the waistband of his basketball shorts.  He sucked in his breath quickly and I could see the goosebumps forming on his skin "Not.. Not yet." He said quietly.  

I nodded my head softly understanding, I don't think either of us have actually been with a guy.  I just know I'm gay and this night proved it for me, but Carl was just testing the waters.  And, I completely understand that, I'm just scared that something's going to go wrong, and I'll lose him.  He sat up and sighed looking at me, smirking slightly.  "What?  Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked almost worried.  "You're kinda beautiful.." Carl muttered to me.  I felt the heat in my cheeks, I've been complimented, but this hit different.  "I- uhm.." I chuckled slightly unsure on how to respond.  "God my head fucking hurts.. can we watch a movie?  Get some sleep?" He asked playing with the hem of the sweatshirt I gave him.  "Yeah, of course, and I'll go get you some medicine.  Here" I tossed him the T.V remote "Pick something" I say as I walk out of my room and upstairs.  I grabbed a cup and headed to the bathroom, filling the cup with water while I took the bottle of Advil out of the medicine cabinet.  Once I get back downstairs Carl has put on some weird horror movie.  I don't know how he can sleep so easily after watching stuff like this, but I can deal with it.

I hand him the medicine and water as I crawl into my bed next to him.  He takes the pills quickly and wiggles right up to my side, nuzzling into my chest.  I put my right arm around him, and held one of his hands with the left.  This was nice.  Peaceful.  I'm happy like this.  With him, no pressure, enjoying ourselves, being ourselves, no judgement.  I hate knowing this won't last forever.  It's only the weekend.  We'll have to go back to school pretending like none of this ever happened.  Jesus Christ school.  What are Emily and I going to tell everyone?  I'm not ready to come out just like that.  And if I do, everyone is going to ask who I'm with, and I can't out Carl, fuck, he doesn't even know if he's gay or bi or whatever.  What if he is straight?  What would we do about all of this?  Pretend like it never happened?  Because I couldn't live like that.  "Hey, Elliot?  What's going on in that head of yours?  Your breathing really fast and your heart rate is through the roof"  Carl looks up at me with his beautiful eyes.  "I- we can talk about it in the morning, okay?" I manage.  "Okay.." he says quietly nuzzling back into me.  I'll savor this while I can.  Before I know it, he's asleep, and then so am I.