we got back together. 5 days is all it took.
then we spent the next 6 months together laughing. crying. late night facetimes. quick kisses here and there.
we made sure only a few knew our secret.
you would come watch me play, and i would do the same for you. we would go to diners with your family, coming back to play board games with mine.
some nights it was hard. you working late & not responding. me doing the same with school & softball. our schedules started to collide. you started going to the beach & not coming home.
you telling me you were just at a friends house. me being stupid & believing you. me not being able to pull my heart out of my ass & realize your love only extended so much for me.
of course we got into our arguments here & there, but that's what all couples do right?
we spent christmas together. silly little gifts. a key chain that told you to be safe, because i needed you here with me. a hoodie to keep you from the cold. a nice pair of underwear to think of me when you were alone.
you let me go shopping. no limit to my frenzy. i bought only what i thought you would like. something to make me look good, but to keep my features hidden, because i didn't want to show myself when i had you to show off to.
my birthday came. we went to dinner. your parents gave me 2 small boxes. one, with earrings. another, with a ring. it was blue, for my birth stone, cut into the shape of a heart. my eyes filled with the happiest tears, as your father chuckled & told us that he couldn't wait to see the real thing one day. & i had wished the same.
we were going to make plans new years eve. i was excited to finally get my new years kiss.
then that day came.
no responses. no calls. no texts. i was crushed. i thought you loved me. i thought you cared about me. was i just an idiot? did love blind me?
by the time you responded, i din't want to speak. ever call was declined, every text left on read. how could you go from talking & loving & saying that you were my everything & all that bullshit, to not even seeing how hurt i was?
i couldn't do it anymore. you started to get quiet. you didn't want to talk to me anymore, someone else had your attention. you were just too deep to admit. your heart being tugged on.
by me. by her. by your parents. by your depression. by your anxiety.
it was too much. you say this every time.
"im not ready, i'm sorry"
i broke it off while you were at work. i was tired of being the last person you wanted to speak to. i loved you, & as they say, i had to let you go.
i cry every night, coming to reality that you will never love me. it hurts so much to see you, but at least i still get to see you smiling. to hear your laugh, oh god to just hear you voice would bring so much happiness to my heart. but you're gone. you don't love me. you might have, but you don't now. she has you wrapped around your finger. & she has something i never will.
something i so desperately crave.
you.
...
i hate my life. hella depressed at the moment..
kass
