I sit here on my bed while blasting depressing music through my headphones writing this, trying my best not to cry.
They never came. The butterflies. The fireworks. Those crazy over the top feelings you feel for someone when they text or call you or when you meet up in real life.
When we kiss, I don't feel, anything. I feel like I've known him forever. His lips. His smile. His ways. They're all too familiar.
I tell him I love him already, when I know I really don't. They're just the words he wants to hear to know comfort.
His mom has a shitty job and takes his money when she pleases. His dad only sends him money when he asks and doesn't even have his number saved into his phone.
I like him. He gives me the attention I crave from the boys who don't give it to me. He worships the ground I walk on. He tells me goodnight and good morning everyday and asks me how my day was and just does all the right things a girl wants.
But I don't know if he's what I want. I feel like an awful human being saying these things about him, because he really is the best.
I'm dating him, because I like him. Right? I don't even know what to think anymore because it feels like the whole world will be against me if I speak my mind.
I had a dream about another guy, and I feel like killing myself. Why would I be having dreams of other boys when I have one of my own?
I'm so confused.
I can't see the screen right now, my tears are too thick.
I feel like I'm cheating because you're supposed to communicate and talk and tell each other everything in a relationship. And I'm definitely not telling him this.
He would be crushed. I wouldn't be able to ever tell him this stuff. He wouldn't understand.
He would blame it all on himself and sit there and tell himself he's not worth it when he really is.
I'm just overreacting. I do like him. I'm just so tied up in other things that I feel like this isn't going to last just because we're so rushed.
I wish I could just sit somewhere with him all day, without other people having to be there and talk. About how we feel. About how we could make this stronger. About everything.
I just want to talk to someone. Someone who will just sit there and listen. Someone who will wipe away my tears when they slip out. Someone who will just be there for me and doesn't expect me to do so much.
.....
Sorry I'm in a funk, don't mind me.
Love, Kassidy
song- telly me why i'm waiting by timmies
