I Can Get It Back

I See the Times That We'll Never Have, I Hear the Sighs of Content We'd Breathe

"What about?" Rey asked with forced levity.

Master Leia looked at her intently for a long moment and Rey swallowed. "Why did you come here, Rey?"

"To honor you. And Master Luke. For training me."

This explanation was met with a snort. "I trained you. And I've never been to this place. Only to the planet once and it was... less than enjoyable."

"What happened?" Rey wanted to know, eyes shining at the prospect of hearing one of Master Leia's stories.

The ghost looked like she wasn't going to be so easily distracted, but gave in after seeing Rey's expression. "Han was a captive of Jabba the Hutt. You've heard how that happened?"

"Yes, he was put in carbonite on Cloud City by Darth Vader."

Leia nodded, gazing into the middle distance as she became lost in memory. "It took a long time, but Luke came up with a plan. Lando was already here, working for Jabba. I followed along a week or so later, bringing Chewie as my prisoner. Chewie wasn't a fan of this idea, of course, but he was the logical choice. Jabba would want him because he flew with Han – and was part of the crew that dumped Jabba's shipment. The rest of us were of less importance. Even the bounties placed by the Empire wouldn't matter so much in this backwater."

Her nose wrinkled as she glanced around what must seem a tiny hovel to a princess. Rey smiled at the reaction. How lovely Alderaan must have been – a beautiful green place to grown up. Her heart clenched with sudden longing and she looked away.

"The plan was to release Han and escape, with Lando as backup if necessary. I suppose. It wasn't a well-thought-out plan, Rey. I hope you think ahead more than we did during the war. In any case, it went to bantha fodder soon enough. I snuck out to free Han from the carbonite when everyone was asleep, but I must have tipped my hand somehow because they were waiting for me."

"But you freed him?"

Leia nodded, sorrow lining her features. "Yes. I freed him. He was temporarily blind and didn't know me right away. But then I kissed him and thought everything was going to be alright."

Rey swallowed convulsively, suddenly wishing she hadn't asked to hear the story. If only Leia had made whatever point she intended, then Rey could safely get back to work. Back to fixing parts – the one thing she was good at doing.

"Of course, that didn't last long. Jabba and his court were there to capture both of us and put me in some ridiculous outfit like the rest of his slaves. Luke came along not long after to save the day. His plan was even more convoluted than the original one, but it worked out. I choked Jabba using the chain he'd put on me and we blew up his barges to escape, sending a message to other gangsters. Then headed back to the Rebellion, to fight another day."

"That's wonderful," Rey said with a broad smile, only a little forced.

Leia cleared her throat and looked intently at Rey again. "It can be hard, but we must always go back to keep fighting."

"Always?"

"Until the battle is won."

A slight frown crossed Rey's face. "We won. I defeated the Emperor. And the Sith."

"While evil exists in the galaxy, it is our duty to work to eradicate it," Leia told her insistently and Rey's frown deepened.

"Do you really think it can ever be completely eradicated?"

Leia considered, seeming surprised by the question. "Perhaps not. But the New Republic can be set up to diminish it. And we can fight to preserve peace wherever it exists."

Rey felt a surge of anger pass through her and got to her feet. "But never have it ourselves? Always be fighting?" Her fists clenched at her sides and Leia looked up at her wearily. "I've been fighting to survive for my entire life. Maybe it's time for a little peace."

"Rey – "

"And maybe, if you'd done the same, your son would never have fallen. Maybe he would still be alive!" she snapped.

Leia's eyes were wide with surprise and anguish, and Rey instantly regretted her words. Before she could apologize, Leia disappeared. Rey's hands shook as she stared at the empty space where her former master had been, shocked at her own behavior. What had possessed her to bring that up? It hardly mattered anymore, she reminded herself firmly but she felt sick. The weight of all the things she'd been ignoring crashed down on her – her lineage, Ben's fate, the gaping emptiness of her future – and she sank heavily to her knees. In a daze, she leaned forward to pillow her head in her arms on the edge of the bed, aware that she was weeping. The tears went on and on and she let them, shoulders shaking, as she finally allowed herself to give into her grief and frustration.

Why was she here, really? Just to hide? To hide from the Resistance, from her friends. From everyone's expectations for the last Jedi to solve all their problems. To hide from her dismay at who her parents turned out to be. To hide from the reality of her loss in this war. She had been a scavenger in an endless desert, desperately clinging to an idea of someone coming back for her. Was now really any different? It was as hopeless then as it was now.

"Rey," Luke's gentle voice interrupted her thoughts. "We all need a little peace now and again. But the galaxy needs you."

"I don't care," she snarled, finally looking up to glare at him. However culpable Leia was in Ben's fall, Luke had been the more direct cause. He had given up on Ben and she couldn't forgive him for that.

"Please don't come after me with your staff again, Rey," Luke teased lightly, reading her expression. He sobered. "I apologized to Ben and prevented him from causing Leia's death, something he'd never forgive himself for. I know you feel that was too little and too late, but I gave my life to help him."

"Lot of good that did," she grumbled, refusing to look at him. This was bitterness – she may have understood the sacrifice he had made, how it had helped bring Ben back to her. But it was only for a fleeting moment of happiness. "It's just not fair."

Luke didn't answer right away. "No, it's not," he sighed, sitting down next to her.

"He's not even... Why couldn't he at least be like you and Leia, so I could still see him sometimes?" she asked in a small voice.

"I don't know," Luke admitted. "But I do know he wouldn't want you to be here, working yourself to the bone in the desert. You can leave, Rey. You can return to your friends or go find your peace somewhere else. But you have no reason to be here, in this graveyard, with only ghosts for company."

He was right. There was nothing for her here, just like there had been nothing for her on Jakku. Staying there had been only to feed a foolish dream. Here was hardly any different – it was just a familiar pattern to return to. There were plenty of broken things to fix in the galaxy and certainly she could do her part to help with that.

"Alright," she whispered. "I'll go back."