I Can Get It Back

Emboldened by This Chance I'm Not Afraid to Get Lost

Bringing someone back from the Vergence Scatter was exhausting, it turned out, so Rey dozed a bit on the trip back to Coruscant. Ben sat next to her on the seats in the common area and let her lean against him. She might have slept if it weren't for the nervous energy radiating off of him. It fed her own worries about bringing him back to the Resistance – to the New Republic. She hadn't told anyone of the goal for this mission, and only Poe may have guessed the truth of it. Perhaps Rose was right and Ben should go elsewhere until she could join him.

Sitting up abruptly, she studied his expression, aware he was doing the same to her. She swallowed, having perhaps forgotten what it was like to be truly seen like this, like he understood her every thought. "Ben," she forced out. "Where do you want to go?"

"Finn told me that he's helping stormtroopers overcome their programming, and was hoping I might assist him," he said slowly.

She frowned, surprised. "Why?"

He looked away, his mouth working in that way of his. "I am familiar with the infrastructure of the First Order and could be very useful to the effort of dismantling it. I... think he means for me to be an example for the reformed troops. That anyone can choose to be on the right side."

"Did he say that to you?" she demanded, bristling at the idea of the burdens and choices of Ben's life being used in such a utilitarian manner.

To her surprise, he turned back to her with a fond expression. It was suddenly very difficult to keep her train of thought and she flushed. "No, Rey. But my circumstances are not unlike theirs, being groomed to serve Snoke from a young age and never really allowed to consider that there were any other options."

He took a deep, shuddering breath and she bit her lip as she watched his chest stretch his shirt.

"I still don't know if I believe that there are. I... I knew, after you – after what happened on the Death Star wreckage. I knew I couldn't be that person anymore and I was so very tired of trying. There was no reason to stay, and I thought I might have a reason to leave. So I went after you but I didn't think beyond that. I never considered what would happen if this all ended, if we won." He spoke slowly, as if articulating his feelings were an unfamiliar exercise.

She took his hand and waited for him to look at her again. "Neither did I. None of us did, I think. It's been a difficult few weeks as we're all trying to come to terms with a new galaxy and a New Republic that won't let the remnants of another empire fester in the dark. After we defeated the Final Order, we all went to Coruscant to start fixing things. We took a lot of prisoners with us, but Finn told us that we couldn't just imprison everyone who was part of the First Order or the Empire. That capturing anyone who didn't help us against them would lead to half the galaxy in our prisons. We needed to give asylum, not punishment.

"It wasn't a popular opinion at first. People were hurting and wanted someone to pay for what happened. But Lando talked about his place in the Rebellion. It made a difference, hearing his account of turning, and then we heard from Jannah and her company of defectors. Some of the Resistance still left, but the rest started the work of helping everyone, even those from the other side."

She paused, caught up in the memory. "I went to Tatooine for a while after that. I think... I hadn't let myself grieve for you, or even process what had happened. But I think seeing all of these people from the First Order welcomed without a fuss and I... At least when we were on separate sides, I could tell myself we were apart for a good reason. That my friends would never accept you and I'd have to choose between the right side and being with you. But seeing how much my side valued defectors from yours..." She swallowed hard. "I realized that we could have been together without sacrificing my friendships and I couldn't bear the constant reminder of how easily you could have fit in with my life rebuilding the Republic. So I fled."