Dirt

4

Princeton

"Catch, DD," Roger tosses the keys to his mom's keys at Raine the minute we pull into the parking lot of frat lane. We all drove together since the Suburban had just enough seats and Raine was not about to waste gas if he had to drive a majority of us anyway as he was DD to get up early for work tomorrow.

My pre-game disappeared in my glasses of water and self-serve cheese pizza Raine bought me, luckily the pill kicked in. I didn't want to tell Homophobic Nephew or his seemingly fine sister how I had two dollars in my wallet and most definitely could not afford more than the water, so when Basil asked why I wasn't looking at the menu, I used my go-to excuse: 'I didn't realize until we got here, but I forgot my wallet at Cedar's.'

It might not be the most carefully held secret in town that I'm a welfare whore, but there's still moments and times I can't light my confidence on fire in my stomach. So we create different escapes. One old one was realizing I left my wallet somewhere else.

Knox only gave me a weird look down, Raine jumped in to offer to pay, and I went into promising I would pay him back next week. 

"Actually," Grace didn't speak a whole lot at dinner, other than answering annoying questions the boys through at her and her brother. Not that her brother answered any with words, "If you don't mind, I'd like to drive? I don't like to drink," She looked nervous as she fumbled with her fingers.

"Or I can, so you all can get shit-faced like you want," It was possibly the first sentence from Knox since faggot hair.

Raine leans against the hood, flicking his lighter until he could take in a deep breath of cancer with the ky ring still dangling off his ring finger. I hold my hand out, standing next to him as Roger examines his niblings. Raine just lifts an eyebrow, looking between my hand and my eyes, but when I wave it around in the air, he lets out the smoke with a sigh, pulling his pack from his back pocket and hands one with his lighter over.

As I light it, tossing his lighter back, and feel the burn on my throat with my first inhale. Of course followed with a cough, Raine's masked concern waving over me. But all I can do is shake my head, try again. 

"You good? Your eyes are huge," It wasn't often I asked for one of his cigarettes, despite his own warnings the first handful of times. But I needed to be dead. Not numb, not feeling, but absolutely dead. I know too much how much worse numb is. 

I shrug, just as Roger's starting his ramble, "No offense, but my ass is on the line for even taking you here, don't really want to serve it on a silver plater by letting you wreck my mom's car." 

Cedar rounds the hood too, sighing as he leans next to Raine. To bad Basil was terrified and stuck in the middle of the feuding relatives; He'd walk too far away from the car too fast. With each drag, I'm becoming enchanted with the burn.

"No offense," It seemed like he could only talk with some ting of sarcasm, "But I've had my license for three years, I've been designated driver before, and I'm not comfortable with any of your band of idiots driving my sister; I barely let you do that." Knox readjusted his arms crossed on his chest and tilted his chin up in some -unfortunately successful- intimidation. With the comment, his cheekbones waver into reality from their cease of existence. Like the notion of protecting his sister brought in some aspect of the real him.

Roger purses his lips while Gracie keeps staring at her tennis shoes. He slowly turns to Raine, who taps his ashes off with a slowly rising eyebrow.

It's some kind of power move letting smoke waft out between your lips. If it didn't taste so damn bad, I would understand why Raine wastes his life on these things. Well...maybe I understand.