Dirt

28

Knox

I thought I could have ignored it and it would all work out in the end. It was supposed to be like normal back home. I'm supposed to be able to roll out of bed and still shake it off for a normal life. I'm supposed to be cut off from emotions, I'm supposed to be free. 

But nothing seems as it is supposed to be when it comes to Princeton.

The feelings just creeping up no matter how much I tried to shake it off. The way Princeton smiled got to me. The way he felt, the way he's always so snarky -he got to me. I wasn't able to push it down. I wasn't able to just magically erase it. 

This morning I roll out of bed with an ache in my head. Sleep Rumbled playlist still plays in my ears. Roger is still laying in bed on his phone, not dressed or ready to leave in thirty minutes. 

I change the playlist to Shower Hype, slipping into the bathroom, the music bouncing off the small walls. I turn up the heat dropping my head to let the water beat on my neck.

I don't want to face him. I don't want to see if he's happy, I don't want to see if he's hurt. I don't want to see what I've done.

Last night I was still forced into pool at the YMCA, Grace and Tracy coming too. I tried to keep my eyes shut the whole time. Some of it I was able to sleep, the music blaring so loud I wouldn't hear a gunshot. I managed to escape him tonight. I won't be able to escape him today.

I guess in the moment of vulnerability I couldn't take it. I've stopped myself from being in a situation of vulnerability for years. I've forgotten how to settle in the feeling, I've forgotten how to stand it. I flipped.

I'm not excusing Princeton's reaction. There I was freaking the fuck out that I accidentally let my emotions slip into something pushing past the edge of physical relationship. All Princeton could do was fold up into himself and mutter 'okay' to every single thing. 

'I'm sorry' killed me too. He thought whatever the fuck was going on was on him. In a sense it is. It's his fault he's just so attractive in literally every sense of the word. It's his fault I think about him way too often, his fault I try to come up with any reason ever to sneak off with him. At this point, I'd rather be around him just to hold him and talk to him rather than taste him, work his body. Though I very much look forward to all that too.

He shouldn't feel sorry I fucked it all up. He shouldn't feel sorry about any of this ever. I'm sorry I won't get to wake up to him, I'm sorry I won't get to play with his hair or trace along his shoulders. I'm sorry I don't get to see him smile when I barely stumble over a page or hear him tell me stupid things that happened to him at work hours earlier.

I understand if he didn't somehow feel the same weirdness too. I understand if it's done the moment those words leave me. I just wish he could have let me done better than 'okay' 'I'm sorry'.

I groan, shake my head to try and rid my thoughts of Princeton. I rush through the shower not knowing how long I've been standing there. I even lip-sync some of the lyrics to try to really get me back up. 

By the time I get to the kitchen Roger is sitting there on his phone, Grace is ready to go and both Kelly and Tim have left for work.

"Knox, what are you going to eat for breakfast? We have to leave in a few minutes," Grace gets up to put her bowl in the sink. Roger is swirling around a few leftover frosted flakes in his bowl.

I shrug, wandering around the kitchen in seek of something interesting to eat. My stomach doesn't draw to anything. Knowing Grace won't let me leave without eating I pick up the last banana in the bowl.