Dirt

27

Princeton

The good thing about being so terrified of rejection so often is you learn perfectly how to stop. You learn so perfectly how to steel yourself so you don't have to feel the pain. 

It even feels good.

"Damn, what is up with you two?" I look up from the mind-numbing purple paper in front of me, my finger resting on the enter button on my calculator.

When I realize Raine is talking about Knox and me, I refocus on the problem. I bite my tongue, praying it all adds up when I enter it in the calculator. I smile very lightly when it matches the pre-given answer, writing it down under my work and circling it.

I lean back up from the table, shifting the paper to be under the rest of my make up work. Once I look up I get a good picture of the tension in the basement of the YMCA. Cedar's staring right at me a knowing, disappointed look, Roger frustrated, his usual scowl brighter. Basil and Raine are confused, eyebrows furrowed or cocked, frowns or straight lips. Grace, strangely here with a friend of hers, narrows her eyes at me.

Knox is not there. His headphones are, his curls are messy. But Knox invisible.

It looks like I'm not the only one who retreats back into myself. 

When Roger came to get Knox in the morning neither of us spoke. I simply told Roger I had to work in an hour so I wouldn't be at school then went back inside and chug an unmarked bottle from the cabinet. I worked until fourth period, it left one last class period with Knox. He was invisible then too. 

Currently, I can't even relax with the boys, doing the work we did in class today that Cedar brought and the homework due tomorrow. I have to work seven to one and I really just want to sleep. So I have to do all the work now or just not do it. I shouldn't give up even though I very much will. I have an F, three Ds, and two Cs. I'm in a very shitty situation for the semester ending in two months.

I shrug, letting Cedar step up to the pool table to take his shot, not just shooting subtle looks at me, "We got in a fight."

Basil blows out air, cocking an eyebrow as he looks between an invisible man and me, "You two? Fighting? No..." I roll my eyes at his terrible sarcasm. 

"If it wasn't clear before," Raine scuffs, tapping his stick while Cedar sets himself, snapping the stick.

I snap back, "Then why did you ask?"

Cedar sighs, shaking his head at me. He knows this. He knows something happened and now I've curled back into my brutal self. I refused to tell him what actually happened. It's embarrassing. The whole situation is embarrassing. The thing I fear is reverting me into a hurt little boy again. At least on the inside.

Grace bites her lip, turning to her friend next to her on the couch. Knox is slumped on the couch, his head laid back, feet flung in front of him.

Raine narrows his eyes at me from across the table, his tapping stop. He almost leans forward too, "Are you going into an episode."

"No." 

It's an immediate reaction. They act like I have control and a fucking schedule for my episodes. Oh, I have a test this week so let's not blank out and go rouge. They have to know even if I knew I was going into an actual episode I wouldn't tell them. How could I? I have no fucking clue what normal is any more.

"Episodes?" Grace is back on track in our conversation, her friend peering at us too.

I twist on the high chair to directly focus on her. Then I nod at her passed out brother, "Knox never tell you?" Grace hesitates, maybe thinking, then shakes his head, "I go insane."