Dirt

40; Epilogue #3

Okay, let's all take a minute to promise not to roast me for the lyrics coming ahead.  I am no music person. Like at all but I love to fuck myself over and that is why all my characters are musical. I would just choose a song but there are things I personally wanted to be represented so let's all be kind to little ole me, alright?

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Knox

It's a little simpler.

We've kicked back into the gear of the way we work, adjusting the few things that have to be fixed. Princeton is at school nearly all day every day. Cedar is mama bear mode, carefully monitoring everything that is happening. Roger is too, though he doesn't like to admit it. Raine seems less bothered by it, Basil frets occasionally. Mostly we've fit back into joking and fighting and talking about the stupidest of topics. 

Though not everything is 'normal'. 

I've started being invited to hang out with my musical peers.  A whole different type of conversation compared to being out with the boys. Grace and I, our youtube channel we started three years ago has suddenly made an incline. Grace had convinced me to record one of the songs I've written recently. In turn, I made her play her festival piece since she did so well.

Roger had started talking to some girl from the college town so I spend more time in Grace's room so I don't have to listen to their nauseating phone conversations. Cedar is carefully choosing between a state college or a naval academy. Raine is considering transferring colleges to a state university while also nervous about his father's health. Basil is dating a girl who is just as sweet as him the one time I met her. I'm trying to pretend like I'm not scared about my future. 

I've sent all my applications, I've applied to every fucking scholarship under the moon. I'm scared about leaving Grace for the first time. We've never been apart as much as we will be once I leave for college. Then I'll be alone. I won't have her to lean back on. I won't be there if she needs me or to witness all the shitty stuff that is included in her senior year. I know Kelly and Tim will always be there for her but it'll never deter my fears.

Princeton and I came to a disappointing decision. After a lot of frustrating conversations in the span of a week, we came to something I hadn't even considered two months ago. We just aren't it. We were good when it was physical and purely simple. We aren't made to be a relationship. 

Princeton didn't want to continue because he already has so much on is plate trying to find stabilization in a rocky world he's navigating right now. And I understand. I would never put more on his plate if I can help it. I would never make him more confused then what he already is with his family and his mental health.

I understand. Maybe because I feel the same way. 

I'm in no boat to say I'm thriving. I'm fucking stuck in the purgatory of my past, my present, and my future. I'm still trying to navigate Mom and Grace and Kelly and Roger. I'm trying to decide what I feel and what I want to feel and where I can go with the world that has always seemed so small. 

It's a mutual understanding we're both fucked up and to mix it all wouldn't help.

And now we're back into fitting all the pieces back into a friendship that could be as strong as the rest of the boys. Packing away the feelings and confusion and strip it down to its best option. He offered to still read books with me. I'll never make up for that.

The whole cafe erupts into applause. I quickly join in, clapping as the girl up front blushes and begins to collect her stuff to leave the small stage.