When In Paris

Chapter 32

CRYSTAL

"No one cares about you and your pathetic problems. Don't be a burden by telling everyone - especially me."

The cruel and harsh words of Jake - my ex, echo through my ears and the flashbacks of such a traumatic time that made me very closed off about my struggles instantly flash before my eyes bringing me back to that terrible time.

I remember it so vividly like it just recently happened. It's not the fondest memory of my past I like to remember I would much prefer to remember something a little more happier. But like all my past I can't seem to easily let go of it or when I seem like I'm making progress in trying to move forward something or someone of my past seems to make it impossible and reminds me over and over again of that past.

Tears start to pool in my eyes as the memory keeps replaying and replaying doing its damage on me. As much as I want to break down again I can't with how sick and tired I am of crying - all I've done the past 24 hours is cry. I also don't want to scare or worry Justin more than I have with already having a breakdown with him present not too long ago.

So I do what I know best and I hold the tears back and put a smile on my face. Beside I've got way more important things to focus on than the traumas of my past - like 'Beauty school' which speaking of I should be getting ready for.

I start to get off the bar stool when Justin notices and asks. "Where are you going, Beautiful?"

"To get ready of course." I respond to him. "I have 'Beauty school' in less than an hour to get ready for."

After my little breakdown and I composed myself Justin started heating up the leftover dinner that I had prepared for our little date night last night that didn't exactly go to plan. But now that I've had time to think about it I did wear extremely sexy lingerie - so what did I expect was going to happen if not that. So as much as I want to blame Justin for the whole thing I kind of also have myself to blame too. But despite all of that I still wouldn't change how last night went with how much we both needed the release from what we both started yesterday morning.

"Surely you can take the day off and study here." He suggests after awhile. " I really don't think you are in the right place to be out in public."

I smile at him. "Justin as much as I appreciate your concern for me and I really do. I just can't," I say, shaking my head. "I already promised my Professor that I would be more focused with my studies so there's no way that I'm having the day off - especially with it being the final week before exams."

He looks at me thoughtfully. "Surely she would understand if we told her what happened."

I immediately frown and then shake my head again. "No, it's bad enough that you know. I don't need anyone else knowing."

He shakes his head and sighs. "I still don't understand why you've never told me about these panic attacks you've been having. I'm your boyfriend I should know these things," he says as he dishes out the heated up homemade spaghetti bolognese and then places mine in front of me.

Hearing him say the word 'boyfriend' usually makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter but this time all I can feel is guilt. So much so that I'm suddenly not feeling hungry like I was before, especially when there's a serious conversation to be had with having to come clean to him. I totally understand Justin's anger and frustration because he's right I should've told him the minute we got back together and when I first had them with him around. But of course my terrible childhood and past trauma makes it hard to open up to people about myself and my struggles - especially my panic attacks.

"I know you should," I say looking up at him. "I didn't mean to keep my panic attacks from you. It's just that with how terrible my childhood was it's just been hard to open up to people and on the rare occasion that I do open up to people I usually become a burden to them." I pause and frown at the thought of that. "I just didn't want that to happen with you."