Do You Think I'm Pure?

1 The Start

I grew up as a very obedient child. I did whatever adults told me to do. Adults were the authority, whatever they said I did. I was obedient, and I followed others. I was very pure in regard to ignorance. I was very ignorant. At school with my peers, I followed the kids I knew, who were kinda popular. I was shy and didn't talk much. I was an introvert (I'm still introverted, but not like before). The friends I had are my childhood friends who knew me as smart, shy, scared, and the tail. I didn't talk back, I just followed them. But even though people at school thought of me like that, people who knew me at home knew I could be chatty. Like my cousin who's a few months older than me. You could say that we were best friends, before I came to the United States of America. We told each other most things, but not everything since she doesn't even know that I'm not a virgin. It was my secret, between me and GOD.

It all started when I was six (it started since the beginning of my life, but age six was kinda the start of it all, I guess). In Burkina Faso my home country, if your family had money and wanted to, they could employ a maid or a housekeeper to look after the house and the children. And my family had that kind of money (we aren't poor, we aren't rich, just middle class). And my parents, when I was either five or six, had a male housekeeper who cooked and bathed me. He came in the morning and was gone before nightfall. So one day when my parents were out working in the morning, I was left alone with him. It was probably a Saturday, I didn't have school. I was in the toilet being bathed by him, when suddenly he slipped his pants down and got his "thing" out. (I don't remember if I was being bathed by him or what, but I was in the toilet with him). After slipping his pants down, he took my panties off of me and got his "thing" in me. We were standing, him holding my body close to his body with his "thing" inside of me. He just simply moved his "thing" gently inside of me, and took "it" out. He washed his "thing" and pulled his pants back up. There was a stench that was around us, and it smelled musty. After rinsing me and helping me put on my clothes, he told me to never tell anyone what just happened. To not say a word to nobody. And I obeyed. He was older than me, in his twenties I guess, so I listened to him. I don't even know what I felt, I don't remember. But I was curious and obedient. I wondered why I couldn't say anything to nobody about what happened, but I obeyed nonetheless. I never told anybody. Nobody knew something like that happened, life goes on. And shortly after that incident, I never saw him again. I never blamed him, actually I've to forgive him. I've forgiven and I've forgotten both his face and his name. Sometimes I think it's a dream, but I know it happened. (I think his name was Ali, but I'm not sure.) After that incident, I remember someone (a female who was either my Godmother or my catechist teacher) say that sex before marriage is a sin. I don't remember who said it, or what happened that she said it; but I remember that I was washing my bicycle, someone visited our house to chat with my mother, and then the topic came and she started saying how doing sex outside of marriage was a big problem. I knew what sex was even at age six, because I was exposed to adult novellas which had graphic contents of kissing and sex. So, I knew that what I did with that guy was wrong. And I decided to never tell anybody what happened or they might kill me. I was very fearful that if anybody discovered that I wasn't a virgin, my life would be over. But I am no longer so fearful since I know that GOD loves me and HE forgave me in Jesus Christ my Lord who is stronger than any creature. But to be honest, sometimes I am afraid of what people will think of me. Even as I am writing this, it's hard but I'll bear it in Christ.

Now that I think about it, my sexual life hadn't started because of that incident or maybe it did, I don't remember. But even before I was six years old, I was already involved in sexual acts with my cousin. My cousin is a female who is younger than me of a few years (one or two). Whenever she visited our house (her family lives in a different city than my family) or my family visited, we touched inappropriately. I remember one night while everybody was sleeping, we were in a different room where we laid on top of each other acting as if we were having sex. We used our fingers and stuck it inside our genitals and rubbed our bodies against one another. We had sex as females. Even before my parents came to the USA, my relationship with my cousin was that sexual, and my parents came to America when I was six or seven. I couldn't go with my parents not because I had school, but because I didn't have a passport. My parents left on a weekend, and I moved with my mom's parents since they lived close to our house. And I spent the next five years away from my parents with my maternal grandparents. My dad's parents lived in the country side while my mom's parents lived in the city. I visited my paternal grandparents every summer while I lived with my maternal grandparents waiting for my passport to be completed. But moving to the house of my grandparents didn't change my sexual relationship with my cousin. She didn't come to visit often in my grandparents' house, but I visited her house on holidays. We continued being sexual with each other until I told her "No. I don't want to do it." when she wanted to do it with me. By then I was in the fifth grade, aged ten or eleven years old. The reason I didn't want to do it with her was because I was growing, and started developing breasts with hair on my private parts. Since she was younger than me and not growing yet, I was embarrassed to be seen naked by her. My cousin accepted my wishes, and we never did any sexual activity together since I told her "No". Even when I visited my family in Burkina Faso with my mother and my siblings in June of 2018, she and I didn't talk about the past or showed anything that might be as inappropriate. I love and respect her in a sane and healthy way now. Looking now that I am sixteen years old and a born again, I was bisexual. I liked both guys and gals in a sexual way as well as in a platonic way. But, now I love everyone platonically. (Even though I do get crushes, I don't want to invest in it so much that I idolize and sin in my flesh.) It doesn't matter who they are and it doesn't matter what they've done, GOD loves them. And GOD loves you too and wants you to be saved and not go to hell. Jesus died for every single sin you've ever committed. There is no sin too big, that Jesus can't take. Lay it all down at the foot of the cross and Jesus will wash you clean with His blood just like He washed me clean and made me pure. Ask GOD to forgive you. You don't have to go to a priest, you don't have to tell anyone. You can confess to GOD in your closet and be willing to accept the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

You have to turn from your sins, your wrongdoings, and accept GOD's gift of salvation which is only in Jesus Christ. Open your heart to Jesus, let Him in, He's been knocking. Revelation 3:20, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with Me." You can accept Jesus NOW as your Lord and Savior. Jesus will change your life, He is waiting for you. Don't wait tomorrow or later to give Him your heart. Tomorrow might not be yours, accept Jesus NOW and believe in Him so that you might have eternal life in Him and not eternal punishment apart from Him. You can accept Jesus NOW wherever you are, in the quietness of your heart. May the peace of Jesus be with you. In the name of Jesus. Amen.