Do You Think I'm Pure?

2 The Blame

I moved to my maternal grandparents' house when I was either six or seven years old. In the five years I've lived with my grandparents, I've had more experiences. During my time living there, I've had both good and bad friends. I've had both positive and negative influences. Now, I know that one should hang out with individuals who helps and builds one to improve in only positive outcomes.

It was an afternoon when there was no one present in the house, but me, my friend, and another guy. The "other guy" is technically my uncle. I have a large family with diverse family members. That other guy, my uncle, we'll call him P (not his name). P's father is my mother's father's younger brother. P is my maternal grandfather's nephew. He was sent to live with my grandparents like me and my other cousin. My grandparents have a large house and there used to be plenty of people living there (even after I left, more than five people lived in their house). And my friend, we'll call her K, is my mother's cousin's daughter. She lived with my very religious Godmother and knew not to do bad. That afternoon with the three of us, P asked us girls if we wanted to have sex. My good friend Refused, said it was wrong and left. But I, with my lustful-already-experienced-with-sex self, accepted and lived to regret it. I was mainly curious, and I knew what sex was. It wasn't like I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I was eight years old, technically already had sex with both a male and a female, and getting ready to have sex with a second male. P led me to into his bedroom, which used to be my other uncle's room and where I walked in on my uncle having sex with his fiancée years after I had sex with P. (That time I walked in on my uncle, I was searching for him. I found him there with his fiancée and walked out. They didn't know that I saw them, and I never told anybody either. It was their private time. I also remember another time when I was searching for my grandmother and found her having sex with my grandfather. I told no one what I saw and lied to the person who sent me searching for my grandmother that I haven't found her. I was both a fornicator, someone who had sex before marriage, and a liar. I'm glad Jesus found me. I was lost.) P was in his teens at that time, about thirteen or fifteen years old. So, we got in his bedroom, took our clothes off, and got on his bed under the covers having sex.

GOD is good. GOD is really, really good. HE is a good, good FATHER. You don't know how much GOD loves us (you and I). I don't even know how much HE loves us. But I know that HE loves us very much. HE wouldn't have died for our sins if HE didn't love us. Me, a sinner who sinned both against GOD and against the people HE created, to hear HIM say that HE loves me. HE forgave me of my sins and HE'll forgive you as well, if you ask HIM to forgive you truly from the heart. Matthew 7:7-8, "'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.'"

The door was closed, there was no light in the room except for the sunlight that streamed through the slightly open window. P was on top of me while I looked through the window and saw Him. I saw Jesus looking at me with wounded sad eyes. I could just see His eyes, Jesus's eyes were the only things I was looking at. It was like a shadow, but if you could see it, you would know it was a person. A person who has feelings and who I wounded. By sinning, I made Jesus sad. His eyes were full of love and hurt. It was like I was at the time of Jesus's death. I was at the crucifixion of Jesus, along with the thousand of other people who wanted Him dead. Anytime we commit a sin, no matter what sin it is, we are killing Jesus. Jesus was watching me mournfully while dying on the cross for my sins. And when He died, He took my sins away. When I looked at Jesus, it was painful and it hurts me to see Him sad. But it's even worse knowing that my actions are the reasons for His suffering. Anytime I think about that afternoon, my eyes fill with tears. Jesus sees my sins, yet He still loves me. He didn't say anything. He just looked at us sinning and turned away. Nobody can look as sad as Jesus feels when we sin. We kill Jesus and we rip His heart in half, separating ourselves from God. When we sin, we don't know what a big deal it is. We send ourselves to hell, because Jesus doesn't wish for us to perish in hell. Sometimes we love doing what is wrong. We know it's wrong, but we still do it, like me. I was on my way to hell if I didn't repent. I thank GOD that I repented, I will never do what I did then ever again. Did you know that the devil loves it when we sin? The devil loves it when we sin, because it hurts Jesus, and we are going to hell if we keep sinning. Even though we love doing what is wrong like the devil, at the end of the day we're empty and lost. And Jesus is there, always whenever you feel empty and hopeless. Jesus is the Light of the world and only Jesus can save you. Call on the mighty name of Jesus and He will deliver you.

After what happened with P, I never had sex with no one (except for the fact that I was still in that relationship with my cousin, though we rarely saw each other. And I had sex dreams as well. I disgust me.) Unless it's in the bonds of marriage, I won't have sex now. I'm keeping this new virginity, because the old me is gone. I am made new in Christ Jesus. Alleluia. Alleluia.
I had sex for the last time with a guy at age eight, though I still had sex dreams. But now when I have a sex dream, I'm not the not the one having sex, I'm watching others have sex. I wake up feeling disgusted at times, since I know that they are demons. P and I never talked about it afterward, and we never did it again. I never told him that Jesus was sadly looking at us having sex. (Well, I did later on) Sometimes, we sin thinking that nobody will know. Matthew 10:26, "Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known." But even if no human being will ever know what we did, GOD will know. And HE will judge us according to what we've done. We reap what we sow. Hebrews 4:13, "And there is no creature hidden from HIS sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of HIM to whom we must give account." But GOD is merciful. HE loves you, so HE gives you an opportunity to repent. To turn away from your sins and come to Jesus, so that you might have life. Jesus caught me sinning and I felt like King David when he committed adultery with Bathsheba in second Samuel eleven (also read the chapters following second Samuel eleven for more information).

Knowing that Jesus hated what I've done with P, but still loved me, I blamed P. Because if he didn't ask me to have sex with him, I wouldn't have done it. I blamed P, because I blamed myself and knew that I was at fault too. I blamed P because, I was sorrowful, regretful, and mad. I was mad at me and I didn't wanted to feel responsible for my actions. I even had a good story ready if anyone asked me what I did. I had friends who weren't virgins and knew that I had sex with P. But outside of those friends, P, GOD, me, and the devil; no one else knew. By blaming P, I came to hate him. I absolutely loathed P. But he was never mad at me. P liked me, and thought that I was a virgin until I had sex with him. Like I already wrote, I never told a single soul that I had sex when I was either five or six, or that me and my other cousin had sex too. When i am involved with someone, I keep it secret between that person and me. I'm a private person, what you do with me, stays with us. Now I wonder if P ever saw Jesus that day, because I didn't ask him.