Do You Think I'm Pure?

4 The Anger

I hated P. I was also unforgiving to anyone who would do me wrong. I hit people a lot. When I used to live with my grandparents, my five-years-younger-than-me cousin (we'll call her A) along with her father lived with us. A, was and still, is like a sister to me. We'll hit each other for the smallest of reasons and chase each other around the house. She didn't listen when I tell her to do something, and she broke my toys or took my candies (when she asks me for it and I say "no"). If my cousin A or anyone younger than me did even the smallest of things against me, they will cry. I hit P too. Any chance I had. I didn't like P one bit. I hated being in the same room as him. I hated breathing the same air as him. I hated eating in the same plate as him. Like I already wrote, P liked me (maybe he thought that I was going to be his wife or something. Though I'm not sure I'll marry). Because P liked me, he didn't seem to mind it when I hit or hated him. Love is greater than hatred. But he wasn't always patient and kind towards me. If I wronged him he'd express his dislike. I remember when he was helping me one time to do my hair and he was holding scissors. I got mad because I thought that he cut my real hair, even though he calmly explained that it was the fake hair mixed in my real hair. I still got suspicious. So, he asked me if I needed his help or he could leave. But I needed his help if my hair was to be done. I stopped complaining and left him to finish my hair. I hated P with a burning passion. Sometimes, people would joke that there was bad blood between us. If we were in the same room, there was so much tension. The air was charged. I was alike to a raging tiger with burning hatred seared into my soul awaiting the moment I would pounce on my prey. I never hated anyone as much as I hated P in all of my life. I ended up hating other people as well. I was a murderer at heart. Matthew 5:21-22, "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire."

I remember the one time I almost choked A to death. I don't remember what she has done, but she made me very angry. I clutched her throat with my hands, and I squeezed very tight. I didn't stop until she started vomiting. I patted her back, hugged her and started apologizing. I tried to hide the vomit or else I would have been in trouble. She didn't tell anybody what happened. I became very careful, because when I got mad, I couldn't control myself and ended up having too much strength. But we still continued angering and hitting each other. When I was at school too, I started a fight with a boy. He was my classmate and we've been in the same classes all our elementary years. We fought, because he took my chair. We fought with every strength we had, and I won. So, he surrendered my chair and we made peace. That was either in the fourth or fifth grade. I also beat my younger cousin (he's the younger brother of my cousin who was my best friend). He was a rude, disrespectful kid. He's the youngest of four children. The baby in his family. He thought that he could get away with hitting me. So, I hit him back hard. He was about to cry, but he was stubborn and I was stubborn. We continued hitting each other until it became a fight. He started crying and his sister came to separate us. I had no compassion. I thought, "who does he think he is to hit me?" We didn't get along after that fight, but now we do get along. His sister who separated us was my best friend (we'll call her J). She was really nice and never hit anybody. Instead when she got mad, she blackmailed. (One time, her younger brother didn't listen to her. So, she calmly started with something like this, "You're not going to do what I tell you? Do you remember what you did last time? I didn't tell mom or dad, but I can. I'll tell mom what you did and you'll see what they are going to do to you." She spoke calmly and formally and it was kind of scary. Whatever the secret she had of her brother, it was big. And I wouldn't want her to have my secret, and be mad at me. Staying on J's good side was better.) So, her younger brother reluctantly did what she asked of him (it was an errand). But, I respected that side of J's. She wasn't like me. She was calm, nice, and respectful. But I was talkative, mean, and rude (I got in a fight with my older cousin by hitting him the way J's younger brother hit me. He hit me back and made me cry, and told me that he wasn't like the little kids I fought. He put in my place). J didn't hit people even when they made her mad. She tries to tell them not to hit, or she blackmailed them. She's nice, kind, and compassionate. I wanted to be just like her. I pray to GOD to make me nice, kind, compassionate, and forgiving. And the Holy Spirit has been helping me to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to people. I don't easily get angry like before. GOD has been making me nice, and patient. Now, I have the peace of Jesus. Ephesians 4:31-32, "All bitterness, fear, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one, compassionate, forgiving one another as GOD has forgiven you in Christ." I like these verses and I meditate on them.